i do love my babie :-)

Sooooo….how are you folks?….I’m sure the ghosts of this blog will definately turn in their graves at this debut mushy blog …yaani i will begin by a confession…Folks, I am…and have always been a hater in all things about being mushy in a relationship…what can I say…I was not hugged as a child …seriously…the habit stems from my upbringing…and how I grew up observing the folks living…let me explain…

The folks; First, let me say…both my mom and pops are ozam (awesome)people…as in they played their mother/father roles well and were caring, provided best they could etc etc….Lakini, both of them never played mushy ever. and i mean Ever. First, us guys dont do hugs in our family…i dont know how many people can relate to what I am saying here…we never offer hugs and we take them painfully..lol..My mum and dad lived together and that was proof enough for us that they loved each other…I need you to follow my drift…when they chatted and laughed with each other…that to us tois was tantamount to making love mbele yetu…lol…as in my parents never held hands or played affectionate infront of us…Infact they rarely talked directly to each other…it was..’go tell your mother…or go ask your father’…So, since they stayed married and laughed and chatted on very rare occassions, we assumed that they loved-ed each other very very much…lol…so you can now begin to see how my very skewed view of love and relationships grew from…by the time we headed on to High School, giving hugs was like too much PDA…imagine that…so ukiskia me calling us dysfunctional…dont doubt it ….

anyhue, apparently this is how the family drama of ours begun…mother dearest met pops when she was an oh so pweety knock ‘em dead chile…with long natural curly hair…might i add soft hair…cos most of us know about kinky hair…lol…and pops was this dashing lad who worked for a private company while mathe was a teacher…oh so perfect combination dont you think?…So heres the problem,at some point many years after, Mathe decided to quit her teaching job…this is way way many years like after 20 somn years and do business….and the business thrived…you’d think a man would be elated for his wife no?…Hapo now is where the endless quarrels begun…i think old man was a chauvenist who had no problem loving his wife as long as she was dependant on him…but when things got different…yaani,Mathe was not so dependant…he begun to be cold and somewhat cruel…he would do stuf f to frustrate her efforts and cristisize her failure with a sadistic meaness….and in turn…my mama who had now come of age and gotten to learn how good she was at this thing was not ready to let her new found business acumen get trashed by her hubbie….so she pressed on…asserting her right to do her own thing…and funny thing is she continued to excel…which in turn made pops even more bitter…because I guess to him she was defying his orders…

So pops continued to play mean…making her beg for what she needed…critisizing her abilities…which in turn fuelled my mamas passion to prove that she didnt need to beg/borrow/rely on the man….and that ladies and gentlemen is where the drift begun…which is what makes me wonder…maybe marrying young is not so good after all…cos the guy meets you when you are sweet and naive and before you have had a chance to discover your wings…such that when you do…he is absolutely shocked and may resent the new person you have become…sad,but true…in essence i always think my dad married an innocent and absolutely stunning teacher..which is what he wanted in a wife…but to have her grow into a cut-throat thriving pretty business woman and mother…not at all what he wanted. He felt his masculinity threatened. He wanted to rule. Not share…He wanted to provide and be relied on….not become almost equals…and it created the volcano that now is our home ….

ladies and gentlemen…there is only peace in Yellas’ folkses home when the folks are not talking to each other…just re-read that statement and marinate over it…because sadly,it is true..if people are talking,there is verbal war and emotional shredding…it has gotten so bad over the years it has come down to resentment…For the longest time since i was in high school i dont even think they slept in the same room or spoke to each other directly…they used us kids as pawns…and obviously given the mother has the largest emotional outburst, when they fought, we always sided with her…and she manipulated us well…because amidst the tears you really cannot begin to rally for old man…so Pops begun to resent us too…which is imature because these are not our issues as kids…they are their issues as parents…at some point when i would ask Old man for something he would mock me and tell me I am not his child…that I am my mothers and I would begin to bargain that I am his too…imagine who does that to their kid?…but the more i grew i discovered it was an emotional game…and when he said it…i would just be like..’yeap,I am hers’…and laugh…and thats where we are at currently…the old man despises and threatens us when we look like we are playing ‘team mama’…which we obviously do alot cos she’s otherwise alot awesome and kind…lol….which makes pops mean and hateful towards us…and thats how we’ve been living….and this would be my first example of marriage & relationships…a tumultuous game of emotions which is well calculated so that the party throwing out a move does not leave themselves exposed..which goes to show why i shudder when i think of commiting to any kind of relationship only to end up bitter and trapped like my folks….

Evidently, I am very good at sustaining friendships…and casual acquaintances…i tell good storos  and blend well in groups…my pals always tell me its so easy for me to bond with dudes…and gel into their storos..I know how to play like i have lived life (which I havent’ btw..lol)…which is why no one ever believes why I have been single…nor understand why I wont give anyone a chance…I have always known how to tag bait…hold bait….but when it comes to reeling in bait…I just dont want to…I have always loved being chased,…but when it comes to the final question…I have always brought up excuses and broken hearts…I dont do love well…and for the first time I find myself faced by it..and seriously I dont know how to act…I dont know how to do this…I always never open up completely…I like to make people at ease and make them open up..so that I get to understand them and what they want from me…but I never do fully open up myself…sometimes I find my behavior manipulative…sometimes I just think I am good at figuring out people and should have been an investigator on CSI…lol…I will admit..I hate to lose control…which is what happens when you open up fully to love…I am a self confessed pessimist..born positive but raised pessimist…my folks inbred it in me…you never knew what to expect with either…they would flactuate from being very sweet to being very mean…so i decided only way to deal with…was to expect bad things…so that when good happened you’d be happy…and when bad did…you’d not kick up a fuss…you’d just be like…’oh,that??…oh well…” and move on…

I think from mathe’s experience she saw it fit to prep her girls’ based on her own experience…so I been brought up to expect the worst from a man…and taught to get my own so that I never have to live at the mercy of a dude…and now here i find myself with this amazing guy…who is positive and kind…who wants to love me…who cares about making me happy…and wants to kiss me randomly and take care of me…but I am encountering such difficulty shedding off my negative self…and trying to give him a fair chance without running. Because I will admit, he is the first guy i genuinely find myself wanting to be around…all the rest, I liked but felt intoxicated and duty bound at some point…but this one…I want around me…and I admit I have come to love him…love.a word I almost never use. I’m almost confused at this new state I find myself in….I am not a person who loves…I am a person who likes..like to me represents love still…but this one, I unashamedly admit I have come to love.I dont know if anyone understands…But I am not that person who smells flowers and sees pink butterflies and believes in Unicorns …lol…I am the person who loves sniffing out frauds…and telling blunt truths..critiquing is a forte i am ashamed I have inherited from my mama..and sometimes I continually push envelopes to make a guy run…Just so that I can prove he was a fraud after all,just like the bunch of them…So here I find myself…wanting this to work…but not knowing the exact formula…If i rely on what I know…I will fail…If i act or try to be what I am not …it will exhaust me…and I will blurt it out…because I am an honest pessimist…which is the worst kind…lol…My pal, Dee always asks me why i feel the need to be so honest with everyone…because,being honest is not tactful sometimes…but sometimes I just like being cruelly honest..because it is so freeing…laying it all out there…so that you can walk away mara moja if its too much…

So here I am trying to be a new person without changing all of me…Just the part which sees bad before it sees good….and it is difficult for me…I am still finding it hard to verbalise my lovey dovey emotions…but the dude loves telling me what his heart holds …and I am afraid he will get tired of saying things to a silent smiling face…lol….yes,I dont know why i do it…but it just seems if I say what I feel…I will hear voices laughing at me….cos thats how we’ve lived at our house…we dont wear our hearts on our sleeves..and if you do…you get hazed…you get teased…you get mocked…and laughed at forever…you even earn nicknames…so its hard for me to express myself emotionally by verbalising my thoughts….I show it by actions…but words fail me…and i wonder if my baby will understand me…It even takes energy and strength to call him baby,sweetie and any of those to his face…it just doesnt come naturally to me…even though in my heart I call him all those…sexy,chocolate,hotness,love,baby,sweetums..lol …but to bring them to my mouth…to the tip of my tongue??..its not natural to me…and i think its unfair to let one person verbalise while you just sit there receiving….and not reciprocating…simply because…you are a lil’messed up emotionally…So I wonder,will my baby bear with me…will Yella stay in this relationship?..How can I learn?…I have no answers…but I am praying,that if this is right, God will help me to feel at home with what it is….

You will sense that this post has been done on two different days….lol…and you are right ….when I started it…I was in a happy endorphins place…when i ended it…I was in a practical ‘tell it like it is’ place….so it is what is it…and here is where I sign off

whats the fun in trudging through murky waters??.. :-(

Sooo,how are we all?…been quite a while…and yes,I am ashamed of myselof for abandoning the blog for so long…in my defense, blame it on workload at work. I shall let you know that I do not own a laptop so i can only do my blogging when Im taking a break from work…so there you go…hehehe…I know ya’ll are wondering why I would fail to own a laptop…well,it happens!…lol…

I dont really have too many happy stories to tell…well i have like one…but let me first pour out my grey …sasa, the workplace. Have you ever liked something…let me use food…like maybe you’re the kind of person who likes icecream…like me …and you get your favorite kind (which must have chocolate in it)…and you buy a whole 2litre tab…infact you purchase two of these…go sit on a cushion infront of your tv and have it out with your icecream craving…first couple of greedy bites are gonna taste like heaven right??….right. If you get through the 2litre tab (congratulations you little glutton ..)…hehehe…you’re gonna start to feel a little sick right?…well,what happens if you entered a contest and had to open another tab?…My guess is you would prolly eat a couple more spoonfuls feeling all spaced out, bloated and stupid…wondering what possessed you to take up the challenge…anyhue,lets’ say you now throw in the towel and give up…and people cheered you cos’ you got so far..(.and they never quite imagined you were such a greedy little twerp…hehehe.)..and you would hold it in to save face….accept the accolades and cheers/jeers…while slowly making your way to the ladies room to throw up…because it was simply too much!…hehehe….let’s fast forward this story to a week after and someone offers to buy you icecream…how would you feel?…my guess is,if you operate like Yella …you’d prolly want to pinch the persons’ nose ..head on back to your car,grab a gun .. come back and force the wretched person to explain why you should not proceed to shoot them in the toes….hehehehe…(pun fully intended ..)…I’m sure you are wondering where I am going with this…

Well…in this here story…icecream stands for my work ….You see, when i got this job…i loved-ed it very very much…and I enjoyed it…and everything it brought…even the little cock ups and shitty messes that came up,…you enjoyed solving…but the more and more was thrown your way…it kinda started to feel dreary…and pungent…not because you dont like it….I dont know what exactly to call the feeling I have…because I know calling it burn out might imply I am talking about fatigue…I cant say I am bored with the job…because i definately do like what i do…BUT…I just dont want to do it here anymore…I hate this office…some days i hate the people in it…but when i get down to doing my thing, I love it…and work at it with gusto…but nowadays when i think of heading to work,…my soul plunges into black waters….when I arrive at the office, ..see some of my friends at work, it momentarily eases…but when I speak to my boss…My pitbull lady boss…it plunges again…because she frothes such negativity…then when i get back to my desk and concentrate on my actual work, i feel kinda sunshiny again…but when i look up from my work and remember where I am, I feel my soul plunge again…I hate it…I cant explain it…do i love or hate my job?…I love my job…but hate my employer…problem is,I cant work for them without seeing them and their office premises….which make me feel like i am trudging in mud…with my clothes on….such a heavy feeling….and then in comes the guilt…because I know i have been very fortunate…and God has been good to get me this far up the ladder, so soon…but i do hate this place…sometimes when i look out the window…i feel like i am watching the world from a prison…so I go back to work…and wierd enough…i feel good as i pour through my files…and work…but when the phone rings, my heart sinks….truly,I have thought and prayed…and wondered how not to let myself feel overwhelmed by this feeling and just keep working to the best of my abilities…as I pray for God to rescue me…But I am unable to get rid of the feeling of loathe…I loathe the face of my employer…who is pPitbull. She is quite a character…she changes faces as need arises…cracking jokes with you one instant, then berating you infront of junior staff the next…she crtisizes everything…absolutely everything and works you up to feel like everything done is…shoddy, shitty, obvious and dull and like she, being untrained in the profession just needed a few minutes to figure that no brain power was ever applied….In essence, she turns you into a mini-her…because by the time you leave that office…you want to seek out the little rat that put you in that position with her and gently churr the fur off its body…yes.cruel thoughts…I know….she fills you up with negativity…and it feels like trudging through wet mud in shoes and clothes all the time….I hate it…Pitbull gets accolades for out tightly run little sweat shop…but none of this ever gets back to you…meaning…you cant pass on none-existant good tidings to your underlings…lol…meaning that…underlings walk around with the same hunched shoulders, low morale and eye bugs which you in turn also carry into pitbulls office….More and more…i feel like I am getting wound tighter and tighter…quitting is not an option…because I have bills…and as I told you…people envy this position…they cheer you on and make you feel like you have had it easy…seeing as you have ‘the job’..but they absolutely do not know how it feels to have your opinions trashed constantly…only to see them in full use…when you turn around…these people dont know how it feels to be gagged…when you believe in expressing yourself…and denied a payrise after a year of meeting targets..how it feels to get blamed for things you cant control…(unless you have  a magic crystal ball..).these people dont know how it feels to be hated all around…both by underlings because you constantly pour back negative feedback to them from Pitbull…nor do they know how it feels to have Pitbull snorting her nose when you walk into her office…and sighing every few minutes as you speak…signalling her distress at your stupidity…but never mouthing it because she knows she cant cross that line…so here i sit, bored to death …my energy being surped out of my body…my  soul waddling in black still waters….and i really do not know what to do about it…but pray..that something changes…cos seriously something has got to give…I feel like my core is being eaten up…Like I am losing my usual active mind…by resigning to routine…and expecting negative outcome…which is not what I signed up for…I feel like i ate two tabs of icecream…and more is being shoved down my throat…I am starting to seriously hate icecream…..i feel used …i feel like i am owned…and i hate it…is this a cry for help…perhaps.But what to do…I suppose other people have worse jobs…and actually hate what they do…well,i love what i do…but i hate where i do it…and the person who cuts my paycheque…and i feel like i have failed because i have become somewhat emotional…and I truly hate attaching emotion to work…but in this instance,I am failing miserably…and its wounding my soul …this trudging throw muddy water is weighing me down…and hurting my feet…I am tired. My soul is tired. There’s no one to tell…since everyone thinks my job is so envy-worthy…and if i even begin to complain …i get eyes. condemning eyes that seem to say i am ungrateful and full of it…well,..so where better to pour my heart and frustrations out…than on my faceless blog…

There goes the phone again…a muttering voice at the other end…its’ underling…another sorry mess has been created…and they want to know what to do to fix it…the thought of the solution does not scare me…but the sighs and harsh berating that awaits me at Pitbulls’ office as i explain both the problem and solution just make my heart put its hands over its eyes…oh boy!…will i live through this…will my soul survive?…Have i sold my soul??…Is it impossible to walk away??…I’m I  a sore puss for complaining when other people get dealt worse…and paid less for even worse jobs…Oh boy…i feel trapped…and like life is leaving my body…let me try find some sunshine by burying my nose in my files…

Shit.Phone again. Pitbull summons….with a heavy heart my body moves…but my soul wants to remain …wants to give up…but I like to think Im a tough cookie..so i wear a straight emotionless solemn face and go face pitbull…cos i really wouldnt want her to know how she almost has my soul gasping for air…dammit!

Aye…the festivities are here..

sooooo…..MERRY XMAS AND HAPPY NEW YEAR folks ….i know its been a while and yada yada yada…..but lets forget all that and ignore making me apologise for disowning this blog…and just say that its good Im here right? …right. Now, lets see where to start …so much has happened since i last came here…and how cresse has work been?….olololo…enyewe ni vile tu …bills have to be paid…

Cant believe its xmas…okay,i know its past xmas already …but hey, its still xmas season technically until new years is gone…as i have let you know before…in past posts…I am those irritating peeps who absolutely love…did i say love?…ok,luuuurrrrrvvve xmas …hehehe…why so much?…i dont know…did i miss a phase as a child?..possibly…lol…i just like the lights and warmth of it all…so seeing as it came and went,…my xmas was actually pretty awesome…I abandoned the family ….not so sad…hehehe…and went off on a road trip with mr.boyfriend …I know i should stop talking so fast and explain whats going on….yes,folks, yella since got a boyfriend…and no,its not gentle giant a.k.a shrek of the previous post….and dont you look at me like that…i left my mother at home,thank you very much…hehehe…so let me break it down…

gentle giant…*restrains a small yawn….lol….that man…who’s pros and cons i described so well, apparently didnt quite make the cut…why??…you can re-read the cons as well as note that he begun to get a lil’bit insecure…i liked him…yes i did, but he brought out a part of him i hadnt seen before…it wasnt so bad…but it was exhausting…thing is,the man is utterly and severely sensitive…he moans for days if you dont pick his calls…and whines for hours if you tell a joke he thought was an attack towards him…oh boi!…very sensitive indeed…but i did like some of him,only problem was amidst whipping out his phone to calculate the bill and mopping about why i never pick his phonecalls (just cos i hatad twice and explained it)….along came coolie…prancing on his white horse….hehehe…yes, Im gonna call him coolie…why,cos its what i think fits ….So, heres the thing, coolie was not meant to happen at all…Infact when coolie called me…i felt like i was two timing shrek and did not want to entertain him at all….but Bella (my BFF)said not to be stupid…to just meet the guy…even if it was just to develop an acquaintance…and it wasnt as if i was gonna go at it with the man right there on the table at the coffee house….it was just meeting another potential acquaintance…(you should have heard her)…So heres’ the thing…I had met coolie before…at Bellas wedding …he was a pal of her hubbys from way back…and i felt like Bella was pushing for coolie…just so that i also marry ‘in’ the family…lol…i know its hard to get…but this was one of the reasons i didnt want to meet coolie…cos it seemed convenient for bella to have me go out with her hubbies pal…and i hate being match made… hate it…cos it feels so corny and a lil’needy…anyhue, i decided since to be fair,when i met coolie at the wedding …i was curious…in a good way if he threw a line, i would converse…not engage but converse…lol..:-)… being me, i didnt say anything…cos you know me and my old fashioned ways…a lady never asks a man…(stop yawning ya’ll …i can see you…lol)…so seeing as i was curious, i decided i wasnt gonna let Bella set me up on a date…but if the man found my number and called…i would go see wasup….

During this time, me and shrek were slowly realising we had less in common…but to be truthful,shrek was smote…and i liked that he was an honest man…but!…the man and his talk about future plans…were a little undriven….as in it was scaring me a little…cos in as much as the man was honest and hardworking…and had brains…where he was going is where i want to be leaving shortly…if you get the drift…for instance, he was extremely talented and capable of getting a better work opportunity…but he was so grateful to his employer for giving him a job when his hussle was down and out…he could not fathom the idea of leaving his job for better….sasa hapo, the question in my head was…dude, loyalty is good…but remember you are not an heir to the CEO,if cheaper labor comes prancing along, they shall toss you to the curb with a smile…but sikusema kitu…cos he was very passionate about this here loyalty to the employer…which i thought was abit…mmmm ,whats the word….eeeeeehhh…somebody help….

So a couple of conversations with shrek lead me to see that we were definately not heading the same direction…but i was also exercising loyalty…then comes the part, where he swears he does not see the point in moving house…again,not to seem mean…but the man has lived in the same flat since campo…and regardless has never felt challenged to move…despite him complaining that the flat is full of campus students booming their lil’beat boxes off and how hard it pisses him off….again,to me that was not a good sign…you see,one thing about me…i like to think life is a journey…as in you have to be mobile…or at least dream about moving on to the next better place…you cannot settle for a constant just because its’ what you are used to….ofcourse the tenants in that flat are gonna be booming loud jamz late into the night…cos they are campus shoodrens!!…its what they do…at that point…where you realised the volume had gotten much…that ought to have been your que to now exit the campus students flat and let another campus dudes move in and join the booming bandwagon…eish!…mimi hapo…i wanst seeing the point…but the dude was very serious on his resolve that there was no need to move…since it was economical and he was used to it…sasa now,if you dont challenge yourself…you shall stagnate yawa!…when i tried to subtly sway his argument,…he mopped for days about how i critisized his abode and called it ghetto….aih. lakini now, the truth is ,it was actually ghetto…cos when you shuka the jav..there are suspicious fellaz hanging about,lots of broke down trucks being repaired and a very muddy path which winds into a thousand lil’shortcuts before getting to his place…which is a very dark flat…with no lights and those iregularly built stairs ..yaani ziko some are too short…some are too wide…na kamba za nguo kila mahali…kusema ukweli,i know what ghetto is…and that was ghetto…but i didnt tell him in that manner…but the man went on and on…what a sensitive man…and this abode is where he sees himself continuing to live??…i mean..big dreams much??….come on!!!…

so while i was still unravelling the mystery that was shrek aka the man with no big dreams…i decided seeing as i wasnt married to shrek that kind of loyalty that would prevent me from at least grabbing a cuppa with coolie would only be stupid. infact tripple distilled stupid….hehehe

so off i went, to meet coolie…when i arrived, first,i was taken aback…when i saw coolie at bellas wedding he seemed like an interesting face…this one was not…lol…it looked mature…and he puts a capital D in the dark of TDH….hehehe….but the man got up before i sat to say hi…wow,..gentleman.i like…lakini si you know the pressures of a first date??…lol…fake it till you make it…so we sat down…had coffee…and first thing i was drawn to was…his voice…deep baritone with a rumble….nice!…but i never paid him much mind cos i still felt like shrek was still in the picture…so we just pigad storos and he kept me laughing….only thing that put me off was when he told me about his love for hiphop…all my mind kept saying was …’wannabe galore!!!’…lol….you can see where coolie was born from….hehehe…you see Im a hiphop kinda girl too…but aih,some things can never be that serious…lol…the man spoke as though he knew the artists personally….saa hizo i know. he just read the same amount of Source magazines i read in high school…lol…but all in all…i had fun….

Long storo short…Coolie was relentless in his pursuit…despite the fact that i told him he was not the only contender…on the other hand…shrek texted and texted…as coolie called and called…lol…when i called shrek and asked him whats the deally…he starts quoting for me ati about how on what date sijui last week i refused to pick his call and he decided i hated phonecalls….again,exhausting!!!!….at some point i decided to be fair to shrek…he was a good guy…but the more i got to know him…and xray his mind…the more i knew…i would give him grief …more than happiness…so i decided to let him go…cos i know he will be good for someone else…just not me…

so current story is that coolie does not give up….yes, he is not perfect….and i still think he has a lil’wannabe in him…but what i like about him,is that he is solid. He’s a man. He does what men should. He is simple. He is positive about stuff. And values family. alot. He is also responsible and smote!….lol…smote being passed tense for smitten ….i really like simplicity in a man…only women should be complicated…cos you know hormones tend to mess with their heads…I should know….So here i am giving Coolie a chance….he’s not pretty…but he’s a man…a mans’ man….i like it!…He has drive and dreams big…and that rumbling voice…Im taking that too  …lol…Bella is so pleased with herself…that smirk on her face…for..’i told you so’…lol…anyhue, so i went on a road trip with coolie…and it was mad fun…i danced my behind off…we drove to far places which looked like we had gotten lost beyond borders…and jammed to mad jamz…hehehe…so thats about it folks…Yella is going out with Coolie….lol….

Comes the boring part, I have been at work all through xmas…which includes saturday the 24th…and it blows …i am exhausted for ten people working in a quarry…and it doesnt help that i dont want to pass up on parties just cos Im working…this body is taking a beating…but hey,i cant let my employer rob me of the festivities now can I?…Coolie has been on leave and he calls me  to tell me random things about his day…and i like it ….once in a while he will get me from work…and tell me he’d just rather come get me than go sit at the local…and it makes my day a lil’better….dont worry…I know there are no perfect people …and being a pessimist…its so hard for me to admit I am actually falling for him…but hell, i think i am

Party tonight …Coolie is not involved…and i intend to have a good time…and suffer tommorrow at work…oi!…cant wait…lol..even if coolie oozes charm…i still need to remember me…and not feel clung to…so Im going with a couple of pals…and i intend to enjoy myself…again, happy new year folks!!!…lets bring it in!!… and thank God we lived through it…and count the blessings we’ve had…I’II drink to this!!!….hehehe…

troubled…

reuu reee…..I know i have developed quite the irritating trend of inconsistency in posting …but hey,what’s a girl to do …by the time i get around to doing anything social on the net …my mind is normally fried…complete with smoke rising…hehehe…ata saa hizi, I am writing this post as my mind fights me because trully trully …a girl is tired…not body tired…mind tired…

so, I might have to make this shorter than usual…but as I have said before, I like the idea of maintaining this blog as some kind of a diary…and for me,the diary thing never quite grew on me…as a matter of fact I only write in my diary when i feel troubled or disturbed and think that if i tell my thoughts to the next person, they will either think I am morbidly vain and live in my head or they will judge me for being me…hence it feels safer to write and be critiqued , if at all by a bunch of faceless people…seeing as you owe me no allegiance and feel no need to kiss ass, I presume most of the comments would be as blatantly candid as can be…

now, first, let me inform you…I might be dating…(you better stop ululating.yet)…hehehe…so, yes,i cant even admit i am dating…i always say it as, I might be dating…So I went on a couple of dates with the guy I told you about in the last post…and now,seeing as dating is not one of my stronger suits, I am actually troubled…the better the experience gets… the more frantic and anxious I become, devising ways of how it would otherwise fails and plotting my rebuttals and counter-actions. Sijui kama hii hali ya ujinga developed from all the bad relationships I have seen around me, lakini why the hell is it so hard for me to just date a nucca and listen to what he says rather than go into physco-analysis mode?…I have thought and thought…I have pretended I am normal, but i have slowly come to the reality that I might actually be a lil’abnormal …lol…seriously…shall i now describe the nucca for your comments on who’s bonkers now?…

Can i just go into the pros and cons or rather what I like and do not Like about the man…and you can help me sort my head out…

Pros- He is dark and tall. But when I say tall, I mean tall tall….Cos I am a tall woman oooh!…but the nucca towers over me which goes to say, we shall be a couple of giants…which is not so bad…only that i hate being the centre of attention and i do solemnly promise, it’s not normal tall. Its abnormally tall. So now on to why i like this, previously, I was balling my eyes out on why oh why do I only get the little people of the world hitting on me…(no pun intended)…and now ata nikivaa highest heels ever,… i can still feel tiny and helpless and towered over….awwwwhhh, you dont know how good that feels…lol..:-)…all the taller african women who feel me on that one…*high five…So i really like that about him, plus seeing as I am a tall ‘pear’…hehehe…if you know what i mean,it makes me feel nice and little when he’s walking by me…ehehehe…and you can see by my selle laughter that it makes me happy…yes?..yes. Uh,ah…and when he comes up behind me and holds me from behind….awwwhhh,good feeling

next, he is easy going…and likes to talk and laugh…if you have read through my previous whiny posts, you will see that I complained alot about men who dont offer conversation and how it sucks bigtime to be the one bringing the jokes to the table…so this nucca, this giant of mine… he talks..and talks..and offers convo…however, sometimes, he will say selle things…just to make me talk…and i will get bored and not answer and give eyes instead…where he will proceed to laugh,like a giant does…huge laughter,shoulders shaking…and it will take my thoughts back to,..’yella,..you really want this giant??’…lol…I swear…thats the thought that comes…then i will try and be mature about it…but he will then lean in and ask if I am mad….and the fact that he has to lean in…my head again goes…woi!..its like a big adult grown person peeking down on a child who is mad…ehehehehe….who used to watch herman’s head back in the day?…Btw,it appears I have a serious case of herman’s head…the voices in there just wont go to sleep….So, ahem, ..I was saying…I like that he talks and laughs easily…and he thinks I am fun, lively and bright..awwwhh…*gives mellow smile…waaaaaat!…hehehehe….Most people i meet consider me uptight and serious..aside from my family who know i am an absolute monkey when in my element…hehehe…sometimes ….so, it really jazzes me that this giant sees me,in my own element even before he knows me…

next, he is constant. He wants to keep meeting me, calling and texting:-)…He proposes dates…and this makes me happy.I mean real dates. Sio fobbe and thabutha dates alone like many dudes do nowadays…as in coffee and cake…bla bla bla…i was getting really tired of dudes offering drinks and thinking that buys them a license to be shagged at the end of the night…na saa hizo I am those chiles who dont even smooch you until i feel drawn…hehehe…so when a nucca drops you atyour digz and gets a tiny dry peck on the cheek as you shuka…hehehe…the look on the dudes face is normally priceless…ni vile tu hawezi kuuliza literally…as in fobbe umekunywa,thabutha umekurra …tena ya nyama…etc etc…lol…so, this guy feels different…like he wants to talk to me…me,when i am not drunk…and i like that.very much. I do

next,he has some savings. not much. actually a little…which he thinks is much…it slipped in some convo we was having…i think i may have said somn’ to make him feel a need to be deensive and blurt it out in a different context…but its’ good to know a nucca saves… Seeing as my ex (potatohead is what we call him here)…was quite the living large kind of guy who never saved a dime and lived for the moment..he was those dudes who liked having his pals drive him/us around in ‘their’ cars..and he was good with life as was…obviously i was not..its’ good to see a guy who thinks about investments and such things…

he has brains….as in he is intelligent and is an IT geek….hehehehe…i do like people who can teach me things…because i am a lil’blonde when it comes to IT gadgets and shit…but I love a man who can save me…when I am clueless…

He looks like he can beat up anyone who messes with me..lol…i know i come off crazy for saying this…but hey…ladies…there are times you date a dude,and you know that if a guy grabs your ass in the club, you’d rather walk away then have your dude get into it…juu it will end with you nursing his broken bones and bust lip…admirable courage ..yes,but defeat is defeat…it always helps when your dude can twanga any lil’fucker who tries to mess with his lady…so this giant…by virtue of being a giant…he looks like he can protect us…hehehe…

he has a dimple…very small…but i can see it…i love guys with dimples…

moving on swiftly to the Cons.

Tallness is both good and bad. bad why?…i shall tell you. He walks and has the posture of an ackward lanky long dude…and this my friends is not cute. …no,dont judge me…just let me speak my mind out honestly…it’s the reason why i came here in the first place….so when we sit at the coffee table, his arms will be crossed all over the table…because they are long arms…and I guess they are not easy to stash away…hehehe…Ok,thats a lil’mean….but seriously, they are everywhere….and i am always worried he will spill somn’…as a matter of fact…he keeps moving things by mistake and saying sorry…woishe…its kind of cute…and not cute at the same time….oh,and his trousers dont fit so well most of the times…(btw i can see you all laughing…stop that this instant!…lol)….note,that i am not laughing….ok,I am.. a little….and its not cute when one wears ill fitting clothes…but how i see it,.. it is a very fixable problem…and woishe, on one of the dates, he told me one of the problems of being tall, is that you dont find a good fit anywhere….so now see, I cant exactly bring it up coldly…cos it shows its already somn’ that bugs him…

next, …he is a hussler…which means he counts his money. All his money. And that leaves a little sour taste in my mouth after a date…why??because, he will count and calculate the bill…to the extent of taking out his phone to calculate…imagine!!!…you dont know how embarrassed that makes me. Why you ask?…because i just feel its bad manners kabisa…to count so hard when you are on a date…it’s like you are asking me to pay…Its not like i expect him to pick up all the bills…just that, I really cant take the counting…it’s extremely irritating and to me displays frugality which i hate…could i be wrong?…

Theeen, He earns less than i do. He doesnt know it. And I am not about to tell him. But I dont know if it puts him at a disadvantage…because his sacrifice might not be felt on my end….not because I am spoilt, but because I might not realize its’ a scarifice…and I know reading this paragraph,.. i come off as high maintenance but truth be told…i need the nucca to stop staring at the bill so hard when it comes…sio mimi ninamuita date…si i even let him chose where…and if he makes me keep offering to pay, it makes me begin to lose the feeling that he’s the man in control…i dislike men making women pay…I just feel there is a certain ..”Iam handling my business’ feel to a man who can pay…not because I cant offer…but because,he wants to take care of his woman…maybe I am old school ..or have been watching too many movies…but hio something ya kuenda dutch on dates….nuhhhh!!!!…i dont feel it .at all. I can offer to pay sometimes. But I want my man to handle us. Na huyu…sijui kama atawes mek. sijui.

He is a bad dancer. *cringe….woi…i think this is also caused by being tall…he knots his hands into gudis (fists) and sways like a tree….there i am with my head going….noooooo!!!!…stop swaying!!…it reminds me very much of a palm tree…lol…I know,control freak…lakini manze jo!…and the style does not change….and when i tell him….out comes the laughter and shaking shoulders…and then my head again goes….geez louise!!..,what a giant…but I like that he laughs alot…cos it shows he’s good natured…lakini now that dancing…gatho!!!…what to do??…**smh….I do like to dance…and that dance makes me want to put my heel in his toes if only just to stop the swaying tree….am i mean?…ok,i guess i am…but si we said honesty rules hapa…cos i know if i tell someone all this they will want to interrupt and curse me before i finnish…

I am not materialistic….but, he has no gari….waaaaittt!!!before you all jump on me…I dont mind it for the usual reasons…I mind it because he lives far off in the outskirts of Nairobi (again, i sense frugality)….sasa,when now can we do spontenous mipangos if,he lives far far away??…and seeing as he counts bills…he doesnt offer to pay cab bills..*swallows hard …na njaro za ku-club hop na matatu…fine,we can pull it off sometimes….but hey,hazileteshi…how about moving nearer to town?…but now those are not things i can impose on a nucca…still,our imobility bothers me a little…cos its way cooler to zoom off…call me a superficial airhead…and i humbly accept the title for the purposes of this paragraph alone…but it is what is it…*ducks at shoes thrown…lol.

he smells not so good….no not oduors…lol…that would have sent me running in the other direction…hehehe…but i think he uses some lotion or cheap ‘marashi’…that smells like a group of mboches going for a crusade….ok,sorry i am saying it so mean…but theres that limara/ponds/jaribu lotion smell that has always made me hold my breath when i pass a chile who carries that smell…and he has it…again,fixable…but you see, i cant seem like i want to change all the things he does/sports…so what to do??..ok,for this one i told him…I’m sorry, I just had to say somn’…and i told him his lotion is heavily scented…and has a feminine smell…sijui kama alishika hint…but please…for petes sake..I hope a nucca stops lathering on that discustingly smelling stuff…it’s too soon to but him anything…but i do hope,his washer woman steals whatever it is that makes him smell like that…because she deserves it.not him.

He seems to be the jealous kind…again could work both ways…could be good …could be bad…but when my phone rings…he wants to know who it is…and this might be a smoke alarm…its too early to show signs of owning me….so that,.. still not sure about that….

In conclusion, i cant wait to smooch …might be the deal breaker….because thats where we know how this chemistry is….he always plants one on my cheek as we part…cos its normally at the bus stage (si unaona disadvantage ingine ya javing on dates)…hehehe…and i am thinking he had better now just get on and do it….or i might start wondering what his problem might be…but I know he is smote…cos he has started agreeing to everything i say…and changing his mind/will to do right by me…which i find cute,but a lil’irritating…but hey,we’ll see….however, I am still troubled…I dont think I am a mushy person…nor’ am I any good at dating…But i shall try….

penny for your thoughts

of eating humble pie na maneno mengineo…

soo…I guess it has been more than a minute…and i have no good excuse for being MIA…aside from the fact that work has had be by the balls…(allow me to use that expression…)yaani in a vice grip…because i allowed it…and it has had me overwhelmed like a dark shadow….That’s what I have been up to…actually,it is all I have been up to…sad ainnit??…needless to say, bei ya unga na sukari imepanda…so you cant blame a chica for chasing paper….anyhue,mumekuwaje?? ….let me give you a few storos now that am here….

Last week, was quite a bad and good week for me…so which one do you want first?…good news?…or bad news?…well,lets start with the ugly…Seeing as I have been working very hard, you would think it has been earning me major points with the bosslady nuh?….well,I am sad to report that it has not ….and this broke my heart totally last week…It has led me to question myself and my worth at work,in a way that’s not very healthy…So,apparently, word around is that I am a bitch-ass boss myself…gatho!!!…..lol…can you imagine that??…I couldnt’ believe it myself…I tend to think that I am one of the most soft-spoken, ‘warm smile issuing’ bosslady around the county….hehehe….so shock on me…(and heartbreak too..)when I heard it from the grapevine that underlings have been walking around with bugs in they eyes and blaming it on me….lol..(btw,that is not an evil laugh by any means whatsoever)…I could swear,I normally restrain myself from excessive critisism of underlings…and when I do,I always explain myself..given, I dont like excuses and lazy slobs because it means I have to do both your work and mine…which gives me back pains…and makes me work whole saturdays in the name of getting shit done….but,in the name of not being a bad bosslady, I have really been trying not to overdo the ‘boss’ card…so you can imagine my shock when I heard the news in the grapevine that I am not so likeable…its actually quite funny seeing as how I have been tiptoeing around not to hurt anyones feelings…lol…Let me take a minute to explain how this here kampuni yetu works….we have big mothership company…and little baby company…mothership company controls baby company but in an undercover big brother kind of way…reason being, before when baby company used to run its own ropes, lady at the helm was at the point of running it down because despite her glossy and respectable credentials, she was no manager…at all….and baby company really needed a serious manager…seeing as it employs quite a large number of staff of whom accountability is key….so,big bosslady,..we’ll call her grizzly…(hehehe…just because she’s one mean heffa and i can get away with it here…) decided mothership company would approve anything baby company would do…which is what my role is…However,main problem is that lady with glossy credentials but no management skills whatsoever, ..(we’ll call her Fox…why?because she is extremely cunning,smart and btw,quite a looker…but on the down low,totally stinks at management…)…had lost all control over underlings in baby company and all sorts of shit was going down.

So, here’s where the complication comes in…Fox and grizzly are drinking and swimming buddies….yes. Tafakari hayo. My work is to right what fox does wrong, point it out and have it straightened out so that mothership company doesnt have to pay for fox’s mistakes and Grizzly is happy. But, problem comes in when critiquing anything fox does. Fox, as i said, is extremely cunning and has a gift of spoken word…She will twist her way out of any situation…and seeing as she is hot, (literally)she often gets away with homicide…alot of the times…and in many ways one is forced to work around her…seeing as she has grizzly eating off her palm…so last week, i was caught in one such situation…one of fox’s people had messed up…and i pointed it out because if i didnt, it meant endorsing the wrong on my part….which means grizzly could have my hide for dinner…and I am not the one who goes drinking with her…so go figure…So it was a situation where fox had to be summoned together with myself and an underling before grizzly….and it went badly. Very Badly. For me at least. I did not get two mintues to explain the situation as Grizzly only had an ear for Fox. And you jua you never outshine your mdosi. So there I was…sitting duck…from the moment i stepped into Grizzly’s office, it was like I was on the defence docket…can you believe that??….and Fox went on and on…with words…when I tried to interject, Grizzly wouldnt let me….and underling had stars in her eyes…seeing as she was witnessing myself take a beating from Grizzly….Oh boy did i eat humble pie…I could not believe the folly of it all…and the question in my head is why the hell grizzly appointed us to police Fox if she will not let us have a hand to make baby company tow the line when push comes to shove….I swear i felt beaten, humiliated and embarrassed ….We left the meeting, i tried to keep my head up and play it like I was still standing,but the thing is, i was actually crouched and wounded leaving that office….I could see underlings’ face glowing…she could’nt wait to get to baby company and tell them i had literally been felled…the reason we got called in in the first place was because, Fox is unable to make underlings tow the line…but when we do it ourselves,it reflects on her inability to catch it from her end…hence Fox feels the need to defend underlings and demonstrate, that she is still in control. So, all my hard work feels like it is futile….as the discipline we are trying to instill in underlings who have since ran baby company amock…is being beaten down when it comes to grizzly putting Fox to task to explain the mishaps…So it feels like my work is worthless…with no results ….and anyone who works in such a high pressure job with no results should know how it feels like…feels like crap!!!absolute crap….So now I sense that Grizzly has pre-judged me as an enemy to Fox…and by extension she dislikes me…So it makes me wonder…why the hell would she ask us to make fox tow the line, then embarrass you for it if you try?….if you sense despair, you’re damn right I have despaired….cos i have lost sight of what it is I do here in the first place…if i endorse Fox on everything she does….Grizzly calls me up and calls me weak….if I call her out, she humiliates me and calls me petty…so which way do i win?…sababu ya hii maneno…i am now feverishly looking for a new job…this nonsense has got to end…So now,I am back to work from a week’s leave and i feel crappy….not in the least bit happy to be back…aside from my colleagues telling me they had missed me,kuna vile I have Nil excitos to be back…because i now feel like i have a job that I cant do…But hey, I promised myself I would keep doing it how best I can…Like I am doing it for God…until a new job comes hither….Can you imagine the otherday, Simba(my other bosslady pal)was telling me that when Grizzly and Fox was out having a drink they were discussing me and Fox was telling Grizzly ati I am giving her peepos a hard time….and they was laughing about it…So,can you see how my job is kind of impossible to do??…How helpless I feel in the situation??…Lakini roho juu mpaka nipate kazi ingine….ya’ll had better start praying for me…Cos I DO need Jesus!

Part Two-the good news …Soooo,turns out I went on leave for a week and it was awesome!!!!!!!!!!!…..allow me to brag,i went on holiday…not that fabulous…and local too….but hey….i can proudly say i took myself on holiday….and did nothing but eat,sleep, enjoy the sun and stare blankly at the sky asking myself random questions… All activities which i love …I took the train…Yes,ladies and fellas…I had never been on it a day in my life and I thought it would be awesome to try….gatho!!…BIG mistake!!!…lol…damn thing kwamad!!…can you believe it??…on the day i try to be spontenous and shit….shit happens???…lol….but  guess what, I enjoyed all the durama that came with it…cos it was a new kind of drama …hehehe….but the thing is loud and slow…the wind kinda whistles through ever so loudly as it chugs along…and for some of us insomniacs…makes it impossible to catch a snooze …So there I was doe-eyed…staring through the night,with the irritating whistling noise in my ears and back stiff…as my pal snoozed away peacefully…So at kedo 3.00am I notice the friggin’ thing has stopped…ati apparently some other cargo train had angukad on the tracks ahead…hio btw ilikaa story…I didnt buy that excuse…So, there we was…stuck in the middle of nowhere..waiting for morning…uzuri it had stopped at some nondescript town…Seeing as we are kenyans…we can maneouver our way through such situations so we decided rather than play stranded victims, si we just saunter into the deserted town and look for alternatives???…so trecked along the track to the town…and people,do let me tell you,if you ever have to trek along a train track,do not for the love of mankind look at the tracks…woi woi…piles and piles of human shit…ewwwwhhh!!!..kumbe it goes straight down??..so bloody gross….anyhue we caught a mat to nearest destination to get us to vacation point….imagine all that drama…the poor white folks trapped on the train along with some tu ching-chong chinese folks…not understanding wth was going..lol…the fooresh train people did not even have the decency to explain the situation and offer solutions for the stranded folks…and since white folks always regard us with suspicious looks and wide grins when spoken to…well, we just minded our own business and sorted ourselofs

We finally arrived at vacation spot…and wa!!!…yaani i felt guilty…such living is sinful….it was mad fun…and i got to forget about my eating humble pie…hehehe…theeeen, guess what??….I might be dating. hehehe…I say might, because I am strange like that…I am so bad at dating,I’m even scred to admit it… because I am the queen of self -sabotage….So, for the record, I am not dating…hehehe…I have been meeting this guy who my pal…you’ll never guess which one…introduced me to….(Ok, We was introduced, by nosy neighbour….who I named in my previous past posts as Jamo…lol..)..it is such a funny story this one…so apparently, I got introduced….and we all (we three)sat down to coffee..which was very strange…I swear i felt like a prize cow at the market..lakini i ignored the ‘prize cow’feeling and just chapad storos like i was among random pals…and since then, me and dude have been talking…and have met like twice…so no, we are not dating yet…or are we??…I wouldnt know…hehehe…..So,since i have some level of OCD…might you want to know the finer details??…might you??…lol..oh well,.you very well know I cant resist…but i must ….

So, about the dude…he’s not my usual type. He’s not hot.seriously and very truthfully…wait,.. But, he’s interesting and makes me laugh. He likes to steer conversation which I really like about him…. I was kinda getting tired of having to drive conversations in dates with other guys….He is akward…mighty akward but confident…which makes him look kinda cute…(I know, you’re confused….but there is something about when one is totally unaware of  and confident regardless of their imperfections, that makes it cute…)..I forgot to ask him his other names…and I am still wierded out by dating someone I have no background check on…but i promised myself this…whoever,puts his best foot forward ..shall get a chance and so far, he’s trying and I am liking it…Other thing about this guy that I dont like so oh so very much…is that he’s very practical when talking about money…lol….wait,before you go running your mouth’s at me …sorta means that he doesnt seem like the kind of guy to lavish and spoil me silly with luxuries as it is not practical….which kinda sucks …because every girl wants to be spoilt selle…save the practicality for later…lol….the other down side…(alleged,cos I am just judging from appearance which is not fair)…is that he might be earning less than I am…you might hate me for saying that….but for some people it presents problems when dating….anyhue,that aside…i like that he has brains on him ….and the nucca is a tall lad…wa!!…as in tall..’shadow falling over other humans tall”…lol….I am not complaining….but on my list now is..”to get myselof heels”…lol..and what big shoes he wears..lol…a giant of a man..very strange…See,I am quite ill arent I?…I am already at it…analysing and cross-analysing…I am trying to save myself from myself…I am…so for now, I have decided…I am not dating the man….I am just meeting a dude who seems alright to hang with….I prefer not to label it…just to save it from myself…hehehe….so there,..at least even though my job has started weighing me down worse than a tonne of bricks…there’s a new interesting twist…would it be very mean if i called the new guy shrek??…hehehe…just cos he’s huge and kinda sweet…and unaware of it…will keep you posted on how that goes…in the meantime,any tips you have for me might help…i think I am unable to allow myself to date without allowing my head to mess things up for me…but indeed I shall try…already the head is thinking of how i would smooch this man, and how my neck couldnt possibly reach such heights..and how I may need to step on a stool/pavement/rock..and how that just wouldnt do…can you believe me??…imagine….how is that not overdrive??…lol…I know…i did tell you I could be a little bit bonkers…hehehe…

dysfunctional..

today, i blog…not because i want to…but because i am filled with overwhelming sadness about a family..mine!..so, i will give you a few deets about la familia….we was middo class folks …See, my Old’man did quite a good job being a father when we were shoodrens…i.e did all fun things tois do with their pops..went to the bookstore to buy enid blyton books ,ate icecream after school at the hotdog store at the petrol station, he bought us cassettes (yes,Im that from that era)with child stories to listen on the way home…he would set up wrestling matches for us and my cousins and pay the winner 20shillings (which was much then), made us read books & bought us cool illustrated encyclopedias on places in the world (thats where i got to know about Rio de Janiero Carnivals, the cold weather in Russia, that ghana produces cocoa etc etc..while still in primo) …he arm wrestled with us…showed off how many press ups he could do while we were sitted on his back …attempted to teach us karate….as in the man was a good father…better than most…infact deserves an award…More to all this, he provided, paid for school fees, trips…yaani all the basics…took us shopping on Moi Avenue …hehehe…So I know you’re thinking i should stop already right??…Ok,I will…but only cos you’ve gotten the picture…So we loved Old’man…and so did our cousins…they all wanted to come to Uncle Nani’s digz cos they knew we would not sleep playing ‘who’s the greatest?’ kind of games…In the meantime, my Old’lady was a teacher…a real mkali mama…who used to dress to kill…cos hubby dearest could provide…it was a pweety good family protrait…So when the cracks in the foundation begun, Im not so sure…

It happens that one of my folks closest pals had a tragic accident (or rather committed suicide when she was overwhelmed with the fact that she had a newborn and that her boyfriend was acting up..)So after this incident, Old’lady wanted to naturally take in the child…but as per hio enzi ya mawe(stoneage ..) she had to consult the wazees no?…from old’mans side?…and they were adamant that not in this life, should the child be taken in…Problem is this close pal of the folks had left a death note…beqeauthing her cheeky child to Old’lady…SoOld’lady sent the child to her mathe…cos’ obviously, women dont let go as easy as dudes do…and you cant just toss out into the cold a cute healthy cheeky child…hehehe…

So life went back to normal at the household, but ocassionally cheeky child would visit and we would treat ka-dude like no.6 in the troop of five…problem is, Old’lady’s mathe was old herself…and kinda let cheeky boy go…when he’d visit he’d have jiggers and was spoilt as hell…that child did what he wanted..and if you didnt give it he would bite,pinch,yell until you gave in…and Old’lady could see how this was going…seeing as she had the deathnote written to her…guilt was eating her up…and she begun to yell at hubbie dearest on why cheeky child just could’nt move in…would’nt they want the same if they left a deathnote about one of us??…for some reason Old’man was not budging..But he would be nice to the kid when he came over, treating him like any of us when he came over…but why he never just agreed to take in cheeky child…I would not know…So one of the holidays, cheeky child came over…and seeing as he was the most spolit child who was used to walking all over cucu…this particular time, he had some gumboots on…the child refused to take them off kabisa!!…so after many hours…when he was threatened…finally they came off…and you could tell that the child lived in those gumboots…from then, Old’lady swore…there was no way cheeky child would not live with us!!…she worked her mgongo sore looking for a good boarding school for boys so that she could get cheeky child in…and holidays he could come over to ours kawaida…This worked for a while…until Old’man begun to realize that cheeky child had already been adopted under his very nose…He begun to turn mean…he would still treat cheeky child as one of us…take us shopping and all…but,he would in some mean way,remind him he was not part of the family…which made cheeky child very confused…because on one hand, the shoodrens and mother of the brood would assure him he was part of the family…but on the other hand,he’d be reminded he was not a brother…but a cousin visiting…So cheeky boy grew,…and the shoodrens already made him accustomed to the fact that he was part of them…and told him to ignore Old’man’s mean graces…I must say it was pretty confusing..because we knew Old’man as a good man…a fun & caring father and uncle…but on this one, he just seemed plain evil….as in who would send cheeky boy away??…except a cruel man with a cold heart…obviously this created a great discord between hubbie and wife…yelling matches where Old’man attempted to order Old’lady to send cheeky boy away…and Old’lady was adamant he would stay…and dared old’man to kick him out…obviously pops couldnt’ kick cheeky boy out…but he resorted to being mean…not physical..just making mean remarks to remind cheeky boy he didnt belong…which resorted to our decision to hide cheeky boy from Old’man…we would have him hide when old’man came in and when old’man left,he would come out and continue to live life us one of us siblings…In the meantime,tension brewed thick between hubbie and wife…and the cold war begun…at this time, Old’lady had left her teaching job to start a business…and Old’man was intent on giving her a hard time and frustrating her efforts…Fortunately,…or Unfortunately, Old’lady’s business blossomed…actually more than blossomed…it was booming!!!…and this infuriated Old’man mad!!…which increased the hostility they regarded each other with…so on the outside, we were this model family with the healthy tois and living comfortably…but behind closed doors…if the folks were’nt sending us shoodrens to do the talking for them…they were yelling hoarse at each other…and warning any of us who tried to interject…obviously, we the shoodrens would come out to defend old’lady…and old’man would walk away…through this process i think old’man begun to feel like we were on two teams…he was on his alone…and we stood on the other with old’lady…but you see, the thing is…which other way would there have been?…cos seriously,you dont expect your children to tell you how to talk…So we got used to this drill…Old’man had his moments…sometimes he was his normal self…Cool dad to hang around…then at times he would have his mean streak…and turn into a complete hater…So we learnt to avoid him most of the time…he would check into the digz…and everyone would sigh..”why now??!!’…kwani he couldnt have had one more drink we maliza watching Ali Mcbeal….hehehe…imagine…this is how we lived…we did not duck into the bedroom for anything…but simply because i think Old’man started feeling the need to overcompensate and make his reign known/felt…because i guess all the success Old’lady was having doing her own thing…and the fact that we always sided with her when they were yelling at each other made him feel like his authority was being ursurped….even worse was the  fact that he knew cheeky boy,now in high school was living in his own house even though he forbade it…so when Old’man would check in…he would be really mean..ordering you around to get him this…and get him that…sijui clean his shoes…sijui wash his handkerchiefs..saa hizo ni 11pm .sijui bring him an ashtray…mpaka yaani you’d ask yourself what evil spirit possessed you to insist on staying put in the living room when he checked in…So we would listen out for his gari…and vamboose when he checked in…we got used to this kind of living…and even initiated our cousins into the drill…

We did the whole school thing…Old’man would still kuja for visiting day…would still play dad when he was in the mood…still took us places…but no one wanted to be around him much…cos of that mean streak would show up often…in the meantime, Old’lady was able to observe how devoted her shoodrens were to taking her side…and she would play it up mad!!…she turned us into her personal therapists…telling us of all the nasty things Old’man had ever done …and making us give her strategy …she was quite the drama queen…and knew how to turn her voice all shakey when she sensed our sympathies were not with her….always insisting on how she had suffered because of us…her children…and that she only stayed to endure because of us…because if she left,it would probably compromise Old’man’s loyalties to provide for us…So we were literally tied to her side…and Old’man got more bitter…and mean towards us…which made us keep off unless it was really necessary…i think this is one of the reasons why i became abit pessimistic…because i figured,it was easier to anticipate the worst from Old’man ..so that when he was mean,you’d feel shit about it…rather than having your feelings crushed…then when he actually pulls through..it would be all good…and you’d be happy…but when he was nasty, you’d blow it off…go rant about it with the siblings and possibly hate on the man and laugh…this drew cheeky boy closer to us…cos he got to see that Old’man was not only mean to him …but to us too…so in essence,he was just a nasty man treating him like one of his own…Cheeky boy grew and Old’lady also turned abit nasty to him…as she always blamed him for ruining her otherwise perfect home…so she’d also have different faces with him…sometimes she would yell at him too much…sometimes not..sometimes she’d overcompensate and love him for having taken him through so much grief…but generally she would yell at everyone. So we made cheeky boy get accustomed and told him he was one of us…and part of our dysfuctional lil’picket fence home…But cheeky boy was different, he was arrogant and proud…I dont know whether it stemed from his earlier childhood days or just his genes…but the boy grew up into one of the most selfish proud men i know…Old’lady went on to ensure he pursued his degree…through the parallel program…not because she was balling…but because she said that if she made effort for her own children to go on..why not for cheeky boy??…but apparently,cheeky boy saw it ‘glass half full’…he insisted Old’lady treated him badly, that he didnt’ have enough chums to go for parties and drink while at campus,…even though we went to the same campus and i let him know that i also got the same chums…To me, he was just plain stupid(say in hispanic accent)…as in who insists on taking up a drinking hobby knowing too well,the stress its taking for a woman to sole-handedly take you through private Uni??…Only a selfish slob has such expectations…and i told him as such…anyhue,i still always had a soft spot for cheeky boy…cos i just felt like growing up he was slighted…cos he was in our dysfuntional unit…where posisbly he would have wanted to be accepted by old’man…but always got the cold shoulder…but oh well,life is not perfect…suck a lemon!!!…people get dealt worse!

To this day,the cold war continues between the folks…the only way they know is to yell…but when we present before the world…we look oh so perfect and dandy…cheeky boy since went to work in a night club after graduating…and moved ship to some relatives house…where he duly reported that we had mistreated him …and not given him enough money while at campus…He has since impregnated a girl and bought a cool lil’car…he doesnt bother with us…he refused to turn up for one of siblings wedding…after we put him up on the line up…no apologies…no nothing…he now has his perfect life…and wants nothing to do with us…is’nt life a bitch??…lol…anyway, you sense bitterness in my tone cos i actually cared deeply for the bugger…and i was one of his biggest cheerleaders…but i guess people only need you…when they need you…in other news, i was home some time ago..and in one of the yelling matches that ensued (even now as they age…they still yell…so exhausting!!!)…i got caught up…seeing as you cannot stand like a zombie and watch your folks yell themselves hoarse..as Old’lady was quivering in her usual way, i asked the simple question…”why must we fight all the time, cant we talk?’..whereupon Old’man walked off…and left Old’lady having her way with words..Now, apparently Old’man sent me a text saying that i offended him…and he no longer thinks of me in his plans..(nime-disinherit-iwa…lol…even him he’s a drama queen…should buy him a mink coat and a wand..lol).as in seriously??….By the way,dont get me wrong…i still love old’man….but i am starting to get tired on living on memories of the good ol’times….I understand he’s going through his depressed mid-life crisis and whatever..I even apologised just for kicks…to help a depressed soul…and he’s still ignoring me…but for both the folks to continue guilt tripping the shoodrens??…aaahhh!!…mimi now i have chokad….So one of Old’man’s siblings passed away…so he’s been informing the entire family of the plans aside from myselof…and Im thinking to just stay away…Im soooo tired of this shit that never gets better..if they hate each others guts so much…si they just seperate??…but Old’lady would never hack…she absolutely loves Old’man and the providence he brings…but she is too proud to play the submissive wife role….and Old’man has turned into a bitter old man…a loner of sorts….but then again, Im worried for the old man…imagine….lol…as in when do i say die??…he’s lost a lot of his family of late,and i am worried he thinks his own family also hates him…Well,I dont…but he’s trying to make me a scapegoat…and i am too tired…I think i shall stay away….as for cheeky boy, he could’nt be bothered…life was made for him..and he was glad to get away….I think i shall stay away too…Im tired of begging/trying to hold together nothing…so if you thought you knew of dysfunctional,think again…want to ask me why I am not a mushy person who hugs strangers??…i think not!…lol…

*lesson learnt: Do NOT attempt to kill yourself and beqeauth your cheeky child to anyone…you disrupt/detroy many lives with one simple selfish act in a moment of weakness…

courage;….the cowardly dog & other stories :-)

wasup !…how have you all been?…apparently i have been mad busy…hehehe…i been told people have been misusing the word apparently…but i have not been listening…hehehe…anyway,seriously, i have been so busy…na sio kusema tu…i have this pal of mine…actually she’s older folk…so sometimes she’ll call me and this is how the convo goes…’hi yella,habari ya masiku’…yella says..’aaah,salama sana…how you been?’…pal of mine says..’I'm alright..manze I have been so busy…hay!aki i am so so busy”…I go like..”oh, busy is good”..pal continues,..”yes, I have been very very busy, Huku ni kazi tu”…so i chuckle (signalling for her to carry on with the other reason why she called…assuming there is one)..Pal of mine continues, “infact I have no time, niko busy sana”..yella says,..”ahh,ok…so..”..pal continues, “Infact siku hizi the days are so short, I am very busy indeed’…I say,”ok,how’s the family?…I trust they are well?”…she says..”uh huh,ni vile tu tuko busy”…I say..”ok,wasalimie sana”..she goes,’Salimiana pia, bye”….now ladies and fellaz,  when I hang up ..I ask myself…”why me??!!!!”…lol… …anyhue, I may have digressed…but point is,I have another storo to this post…aside from confirming that I am very busy nowadays…hehehe…so I am good folks …i dont leave you wondering…wth??!!!….lol…

So, the office has become quite the slave factory…actually some mornings i wake up…ok,scratch that,most mornings, I wake up and ask God to give me strength and come with me to…cos i wont go otherwise!!….lol…Manze!!!..So apparently, it’s not easy bossing people around. Cos’ bossing people around means… people hate your guts!!.. Constantly.lol….they want to hire thugs to throw you in a river..so that you swim with the fishes…seriously!.. It does’nt matter how nicely or positively you critisize..they smile and nodd attentively…but the moment you step out of the office…you can tell…iko beef!!!…Theeen!!,..did i mention that when you’re in the business of managing, you have the unfortunate pleasure of facing the big honcho who is scary as hell!!!…..woi!…this job will age me for sure…I came in here all cute,sweet, and juicy with pigtails…seems I’m gonna leave this place old and huggard..with sagging cheeks and whiskers(dont ask me how,…i just know)…So,I’m supposed to be the boss of some…but apparently,(there it goes chomokaing again…lol…ah,sue me!..I’m on a rant dammit!) I’m scared as hell…of everyone…cos the ones’ i boss, i have to confront constantly or top honcho will have my hide…I know there are some of those that enjoy confrontation…but for me, its like part of my job everyday….and i am hating it…It makes me scared to go in to work everyday ….and if I get lucky to have a day without confrontation, I get to be confronted…and you should know by the way,top honcho actually believes in humiliation as a method to command respect….so yeah, go figure….You should hear her telling us,..’why won’t these people just get it done??…Just humiliate the idiots publicly…they will never cross you”….imagine that???….

So Just so that you get exactly what I’m trying to say…I have come to the realization that most people who bully people, are actually very afraid themselves…take top honcho for instance…you should hear CEO yell at her, infront of us …woi,you even curl your toes embarrassed for her…So by the time she kujas to download on you….you just know oooohhh,you are so going to get it.lol…yes,i laugh now. But then, not so much….So I am saddened that nowadays, I operate in fear. Fear to confront on one side…and the fear of being confronted on the other side. I am starting to actually get the hang of confronting without humiliating someone…but still,..turns out people holding intellectual jobs take any kind of critism personally…as in really really personally…it’s almost funny. I have a style of confrontation…I summon you (divide)…ask you to explain why shit is messed up very clamly…when you get defensive…I hand you your file to show me how….and watch you crumble as you flick pages trying to get something…anything to prove yourself right (and conquer)…when you realize you actually messed up…silence ensues, I watch the gaze fall to the floor…and my msomo moment is here. I know, it seems cruel…but what to do??…I swear there is no other way…Cos them underlings are extremely defensive…so i have to let them walk into their own graves…then,haul them up….So you can now see the reason why they would hate me right??..Because there is nothing worse or more humiliating than a self-righteous,all knowing person to admit that he/she done wrong…Which makes them regard you with both fear and submission. But respect, not yet. I’m still working on it…given some of them are older than myselof…but hay!!!…is the job hard?…or hard?? chose one!….it’s like you cannot win…hence my life has become kaodo depressed and sulky…I guess I am gonna have to man up…because i seriously don’t like not being liked…but then again, i respect that you cant be chummy with the boss…which means i have to find new friends…hehehe….did i ever mention, that i might be a tad anti-social and introverted??…never??…hehehe…well,you should’ve gotten a hint from the fact that I like being a faceless blogger ….

So, I have a job where I act boldy …but actually inwardly, Im full of fear…and I’m hating it why lie…I hope i find balance…Otherwise, right now,it just feels like a cold cold world at work…I hate pretentious friendships…and that’s all you get once you climb up a notch at work…remember my pal Simba??…from work?? I hear from the grapevine…they say I am just as ruthless….whatttt??!!…By the way,Simba is nasty…she will throw you out of her office, yell, humiliate….lol..then i hear I am being compared to those gruesome techniques….hehehe…even after I speak softly and calmly??…I tell you there is no winning in this game…I guess what’s left is to do the job…and get a life outside the workplace…or you shall surely be miserable…ile mbaya ya ajabu…The other day, I was in the lift with a couple of other people…we got on the floor where supervisees work…they actually set foot in and ducked out when they saw me…woishe…lol…it’s actually abit humourous…but also lonely …my mummy says, to just be firm and fair…hehehe…but who likes firm and fair??…

In other news, my social life has completely halted. I’m always too tired to do shit. So I’m really posing to see how this self destruct button will work…nowadays, i dont even want to answer the phone when people call me… I want to pretend I am not there…because remember i told you…I used to play therapist alot??…well,nowadays i Kinda don’t have energy to do that anymore…So if you’re gonna call me to mop about life…I’d rather you go throw rocks at a tree…because i simply do not have energy or space…I now operate two ways….work or tv to help me escape the stress…I cant play cheerleader anymore…and i think the people around me got so used to it…they dont’ know how to switch roles…But not to worry…I’m not so far gone. yet! hehehehe….I still keep tabs on family…because you know,it’s blood…and i do love my folks…but for all them friendly bunnies who suck life out of me…other than give…one word..”Sayonara!!!”….I’d rather live a lonely life.. than carry baggage thats’ gonna sink me…For now,let me deal with the hating folks at work…and the dragon bosslady …and the family…tosha!…As for social life, I’m too tired…I dont know who will save me…but i do pray to Jesus… …i dont think He will let me sink…He’s normally kind…hehehe

mood swings…

watu wako aje leo?…for me,I’m abit confused. I cant tell whether I am happy,sad,bored,depressed,excited,non-chalant..sijui?!…i just don’t know…and before you all go saying/asking…maybe it’s that time of the month…well,it is not. I know so. And no,i am not pregnant…hehehe…I should know…that part of my life has kind of stalled…and i mean stalled.stalled..almost died.but not quite ..lol…ata ninajicheka…so,some brave lad i know, told me that’s my problem right there..that’s where the random mood swings stem from…ati i need to get me laid…ati even if i have to walk up to some random smartly dressed hot nucca on the street and ask politely…lol…you know like…’excuse me sir,do you mind??’….my goodness!!! are you seeing the kind of friends i have around me??…asking me to proposition random strangers on the street…ati the reasoning behind it all…is that i dont accept it when it’s offered…when its’ begged for…then i might as well just choose randomely and ask politely….I posed,..looked at the said boy..and he actually wore a serious look…woi,aki I am sad for myself…lol. So,I matched his serious look…and asked, seriously,..dude,you’re my pal…and that’s your advise??…hehehe..I come to you,like you are a sage sitting cross legged on a hill…and this is what you have to say to me??…then,dude starts complaining ati the problem with most of us chiles,is we think our nini is built with diamonds and lined with crystals….hehehe…reuu ree…sasa,is that a way to give a girl a pep-talk??…lol..anyhue,apparently said dude,has had it worse than me…ukame halisi..lol…so i guess those are the words of a bitter black nucca …

Apparently, the foregoing was not part of the topic…but the way the happy/sad mood swings are switching in spans of like 30mins ata mimi nashangaa if i am hanging loosely on the edge…ama its a simple case of getting somn’ somn’ aka laid…Well,as of now, i have instantly become amused…see?…i think i am going crazy…when i begun this post i was down and sad…now I am amused…Not happy,just amused…wth is happening to me??…pray tell. I have also discovered i am quite the shallow woman. I like rating men based on how suave they are…how they drive conversations,how confident they are…And i am told,I am shallow. And i agree. Why?…because there is this one guy who has been trying to get me to come out to lunch with him…but why wont i go?…because he’s not cool. imagine that. How do i know he’s not cool??…I dont know,it just looks like it. There,..thats my reason. Have i held a conversation with the man?…I have. And i felt like it was up to me to throw in funny quips and drive conversation…and seriously,i want a guy who amuses me. I dont want to work. Im a lil’tired…lol. *warning;this might be a party to bash meself…and you’re invited …Anyways, i was telling you about shady looking guy. I dont know if he is shady for sure. And please dont’ ask me what cool is…cos you might think I’m nine…lol…but,i just cant get over it. My pal …my wise galpal this time, not the idiot i mentioned before..lol…she says, I am shallow. And i agree. Now can we move on??…lol…anyways,I am trying to heal myself from ‘all of that’ shallowness…hehehe…and it’s alot…so i have promised, if he calls again, i will indulge him…and we will do lunch…I dont know if he will be brave enough to call me again,after the many calls i declined to pick…In my defense, he called while i was away. My only sin,is that i did not return his calls.

So now, I am bored..for ten people…I want to leave work. but cant. I want to go home. Tommorrow i will be on leave and i am ecstatic. I am tired of this fooresh place. All there is , is sad faces,overworked faces, critism. Bas!..So i am on a go-slow this afternoon, writing this post.

Haiya,…There goes the fire alarm..watu ata hawaangalii juu….No one is moving. It’s still ringing.aki this office…lol.. People are laughing about it. Well,i cant leave. alone. Someone has just called my extension…asking,’wee,chic,…kwani you cant hear the firealarm…si,utoke??”…*laughter ensues…Yella foolishly responds..”si wewe utoke??…sijanusia smoke’…lol. Ok,It has now stopped. No one moved an inch towards the door/stairs…Gosh!isnt that all wrong??…I guess i am not the only bored and unexcitable person in the building… Infact, we’re all a bunch of idiots….lol…Ok,thats not funny. I accept. But that dann alarm goes off and nothing ever happens. But what we just did is not clever. I accept.

Sooo, do you really think getting laid will make me less moodier??…i doubt it. I think it’s just something I am going through. I dont think it’s hormones. I think it might be the negative working atmostphere. And the relatives/family drama…And a lil’loneliness bug that has bit me. But the wierd thing is, i will feel sad to be lonely and single for abit…then in the next,i will be like thank goodness!! i live alone…..aih,this is just confusing. Might i be going cresse??…and by the way of late,not one but two dudes who i have been friends with have hit on me. The problem is,they have girlfriends…and the fact that someone considers you’d fill in,makes me a lil’depressed…not happy…not flattered..depressed. momentarily. Then in the next few hours, it will make me feel a lil’powerful. When i face a pleading face that seeks to convince me how things would work out…without defining boundaries…as they plead and set out their case…i feel a lil’powerful and make them go on and on…I wear a face,like i would actually consider it,just to see what lengths a guy would go to…to beg out of lust…cos i know it’s nothing meaningful. I feel a little cruelladeville speaking so candidly but seriously speaking, isnt it a lil’selfish for a guy to convince you how you, being his clande would work??…knowing very well,theres nothing to it other than a good/bad lay…and thereafter, move it along??…Well, i have been called frigid. But i dont do flings. Why??..1.Kharma is a bitch,she comes back to haunt you…2.I dont think anyone should do that to another person…3.i think it’s lame of the guy to put you in such a position…But nowadays, no one thinks like that anymore. My pals all called me self-righteous…Infact, one of them…(another dude)said i just might change the said clande-seeking guy’s mind…but why does he deserve the right to have two options thrown at him…so that he could chose??…and send the lesser of the subjects away…broken hearted??…ziiii!!!never ever!… I know that sounds a lil’feminist…but i just dont get it…

.so now I am tired. I have moved from being bored…to tired. I dont feel like anything. Have you ever felt like that before??…like you want nothing?to speak to no one in particular…to hear nothing in particular…just,whatever??…that’s how i feel…and i figure,i dont feel like writing this post no more…till next time…when i am less moody.

of purported clandestine activities…*chuckles..

habari ya wanainchi wote kwa jumla ?….damn!its been a while. I kid you not, i think i even somewhat forgot how the hell to put together a post…so if you notice that this post is uhhhm,what’s the word…not so ‘put together’…refrain the urge to make some smart ass comments…hehehe…on second thought…go on and give it …

so turns out,work has been going pretty good…i got another step up…yay!yes….hihihi…BUT!!!how much pressure is there??…eish. These meetings where you have people sitting around a table staring at you with a list of problems…waiting for you to say something profound…Im thinking it’s gonna drive me cresse!…Seriously. I am not that clever. I feel like my hair will start to gray…siku hizi my body feels fatigued 24/7 regardless of whether i have been on a hike or sat on the couch the whole day….manze,I’m still trying to wonder what’s up with that…i have thought of exercising,time and again….but the moment the thought comes up in me head…the next thought lined up is…’ I’m i crazzy??…do i really want to exercise??..do i??…Ofcourse i dont. I am tired for ten people!!….and with that,i grab dinner and sit meself with a thud on the couch,remote within reach,lights put out with just the tv to calm down my racing thoughts….i know Im setting myself up for disaster…and soon,yella might become a whale …but si there are all these songs about how juicy pear shaped african women are??…hehehe…i shall cross my fingers and hope they mean it when they sing it…lol.

So,i was writing this post another day,got distracted and am back again to finish it. I dont know if i still have the story i intended to give…and whether i can still push it as breaking news,but i will definately try. Haya now it happens yella is the true okuyo mama with her hussle on. So yella was trying to hook up another ka-business plan,and it appears, i needed a liaison to break through right?…right. The said liaison,i had never met. He was the middle man.period. Meaning,i had to go through him or forget the business altogether. So i called up the said fella. Sounded like an older guy. Way Old. The way he was flirting, i could tell this would be an older guy going through midlife crisis or whatever. So we chatted. I kept it professional, meaning there were gaps of silence when i pretended not to understand his lewd jokes and suggestive manner. Finally, we scheduled a business meeting. Over coffee. People do that all the time dont they??….I can see ya’ll looking down on me with that look…hehehe…put it away!!seriously,people have business meetings over coffee all the time. All around the world. lol.

On the said date, i get to the meeting place on time…I call the dude,we shall call him Strange. Because he was exactly that. Strange. So, on the phone i could tell he wanted to sound important. Like a man who lives his life with lustre. However, I must add that he switched on and off to vernacular mid conversation in his bid to possibly endear himself or rather make us feel like old acquaintances….I will give you excerpts of the conversation just so that you know Yella is a brave woman..and is somewhat business savvy. as if.lol….Haya, so I call Strange on the phone, and it goes like this..’Hallo, habari yako?..mimi ninaitwa yella, nilikuwa nimekupigia hapo awali. Strange goes, ‘oh yes,herro Yerra…How are you? (in fine shreng i.e combo of twang and shrub)…Yes,we are supposed to meet today isnt it?…Well,I am just at X Hotel having a very important meeting which i should be concluding shortly to join you…heagwo gikobe gia shai nigoka koreha (i.e pewa kikombe cha chai nakuja kulipa)’…haya, this to me was warning signal number one.lol…man asks,’so,are you wearing a srit(slit) rike we agreed?..or a miniskirt? ‘…(rolls eyes)..Yella says, “nilikwambia kanisa yetu haikubalishi hayo maneno”..man laughs and says ‘haya basi, ret (let) me be there in a few minutes…”..So i said, Ok,i shall arrive promptly at 5.30. And off I went,…(*insert sound of footsteps here..)…to fancy restaurant (which he insisted on…all this time i was thinking,shieet,i hope he doesnt order a meal and make me pay,seeing as i needed him to do some work for him…by his choice of venue,i figured, he must be some old dude who feels very elite)…So i arrive at the said restaurant, let my eyes hoover, select corner table with vantage point of seeing the entrance, sit meself down and order a cuppa. In the meantime, every wierd looking old geezer who checked in,i held my breath. To see if he’s gonna pull out his celly …and mine to ring. What a strange period of time. Mpaka i started sighing in relief when an ugly one passes….lol….anyhue,long storo short,he kept me waiting a good 20minutes….So i called him again…he answers and says…’Herro,am just making my way there…infact,i am here at the entrance,…weikarete haa??..(where are you sitted)..”..i tell him corner table opposite the door and i watch the door like a hawk.

So at 12 oclock (directly ahead of me) a short man walks in,clutching a newspaper. He walks quickly towards me. I smile. My mind goes into overload analysing. Thick hair. Small afro-puff. A little unkempt. Overly dyed i.e Ebony black hair. The small man smiles. Behold, a set of gold teeth/chocolate teeth…(call them whatever you want). I stretch my hand in greeting.(in my head,i want to laugh…yaani,this is the date i get??…hehehe…but i champion on,at least he’s clean)..the man is reeking of cologne (told you,i can smell men in midlife crisis through the phone…i have many uncles in that stage…dammit,i watched my own old man go through it…he’s barely through it…hehehe)…Strange,rubs his hands nervously. shuffles the papers he’s been carrying, puts them on the table.Must be in his late fifties. For ease of doubt that i meant business only for this meeting, i had taken the liberty to dress abit drab and look maternal. I contemplated wearing a wedding band.lol..But my friend said that storo might confuse me…as i would have to remember it through out the conversation. So strange orders a cuppa…adding to the waitress..”na shai yangu iwe na maziwa nyingi kuriko shai yenyewe”…(yella cringes)…Strange is nervous. I dont know why. So he tells me what he has been doing at the seminar at X hotel. Even shows me the programs. I wonder why. But, I’m a reasonable person. Here sits a man,nervous but wants to come off as important and busy. I need him to make my business plan work. So i sit and nodd attentively. So i tell him what i do. (I lie.) And i raise the business that has brought me here. He gets out his pen and draws everything on paper. He illustrates everything. Woi!…lol…but i listen. I give my proposal. It was actually going very well & professional. Until….

A young man struts over. Since Strange already informed me that he works on campus as head of department. I think its one of his students. I shake his hand. He addresses Strange. Strange has sat up straight. Straight as a poker. Young man requests for Kshs.50/-. Yella wears question mark on face. Strange reaches into his wallet. Gives the young man kam-fifte …(penny for your thoughts??…)..Young man tells strange he’s with his mum at another table. Young man leaves. Strange shifts. And says. That. Is.My son….yes, you heard right.Which means….wifie is in the buidling!!!!….OMG. lol. I look heavenward and ask why??….But i dont give it up on my face. And i continue to talk business. I finish. And Strange takes over. Strange talks and talks. Actually rumbles. I shall tell you how much. During all this time,he tells me where his wife goes to chuch…and that she is an usher…That they once travelled to Israel. That his grandparents died very old and still married. at 103 and 95 respectively. Why a man would talk so much suddenly would only mean one thing. A man is scared. Shitless. In my head Im thinking or rather saying…’Jesus,please protect me.why is this man so scared??….i dont want to be clawed or chapwad with hot coffee by some random woman about her goldtoothed hubby”…so after a while,seeing as business is done. I stop the man. Ask him if he minds if i pay. He declines. Says since the deal is yet to fall through,i should let him. He grabs his half sipped cuppa and says he wants to join his wife’s table…and that i should pass by and say hi.walalala!….At this point,Im wondering how all this will go down. Either way you look at it,drab dressed girl with old man with overdyed hair reeking of cologne will play the villain. So,i figure, I dont know this folks…and if they have issues…i am not a part of it. So i say,ok and walk over. The eyes I was given by wifie??…hay!!!…those eyes  could burn a hole in my head. Thank goodness only superman has red-ray vision…hehehe…yes,now i can be cheeky about it … So stretch my hand to wifie and say ‘hi,he asked me to come say hi to his wife’…( I know,very suspicious sounding…but now what to do…the silence was pin-drop…i had to say something)…the fooresh man stands silently beside his wife and mumbles..”she comes to our church”….in my head am thinking…what???!!!!!….lol….walalala!!!…the tension was so thick. Wifie stares at me hard…and says,..’what?’…(at me)…i repeat,”he asked me to say hi”…wifies girlfriend looks amused and stretches her hand at me…those ones of…ebu tukuone…wolololo!…so i say hi. then,again in my head,i say,i am not part of this ….and will not be dragged into it…So,i say..’Nice meeting you all”…turn to strange…tell him..”we’ll talk monday” as i gesture to the paper he’s been scribbling on…seeing as the poor old nucca is in a trance…and i Leave….lol….

Its insurmountable to say,that was one of my worst mistaken identities ever…ever!!…now i know one woman in the city who must be baying for my blood. Needless,to say,the fooresh man called later. To tell me shit hit the fan. My response was one word. “oh?”…I said,’if you explained yourself, I’m sure it worked out”….I know for sure that old geezer had bad intentions for the meeting. He was stopped by kharma like a deer staring at headlights. So i ask, ‘what’s in it for me oh yee lady kharma?”…i was innocent of all, and any counts. Strange does not pick my calls to give me a progress report. So why did i deserve to be in such a muddle?…*shrugs shoulders…I guess some things happen. For no reason. Or do they?…*kicks a pebble and walks away whistling….

mumblings..

hows’ it goin folks ?…Leo, I’m easy…day is kinda dragging itself along..i have kidogo free time on my hands at the office…not because i dont have any work to do …nope!..But because the people who are supposed to do theirs before it gets to me are yet to get a move on…So i have decided,rather than keep issuing threats…i will just sit here and enjoy the free time …reading blogs and writing a lil’bit on the side..*whistles happily…This is only because i can see the storm I’m about to drive into ahead…So, i have decided to enjoy the calm before the storm..make hay when the sun shines is what they say right?? …

I am about to do something…rather pay for some course..a skills course…that my mother would certainly not approve of…hehehe…infact,she would raise her head and nodd emphatically and say… ‘yella, dont be schewpid….I’d rather you give me that money rather than throwing it away like that’…lol…yes,i know my mother dearest well.. she’s not one to mince her words..and she’s not one to have small courtesies when addressing her shoodrens…So,I’m not going to tell you what it’s about…All i will reveal,is that,..It is not a dee-jaying class …yes,that crossed my mind…and at some point .. was on my to-do list…but i think that phase is over…why?you ask…well,i just dont think I’m that cool anymore…lol…yes,i will admit it ..not cool as in fresh…just cool as would be ranked by youngin’s of today…trust me,that, ..i dont think i am..otherwise,on a global ‘cool factor’ranking level…i think I’m ice cool …hehehe…so albeit my many words to explain small points…what i mean to say is that unless I’m going to be a dee-jay for my own classes of music that i enjoy,I dont think I’m ready to keep up with the trends of that pop shit that’s being played everywhere nowadays…apparently,it IS the shit!…lol…and sadly,i cant relate…hehehe..trust me, smallet has tried to convert me and keep me up to date on what jamz are current…but it’s not working.lol…all i seem to like is what i can relate to…and i hear dee-jay’s have to be all over the place…in terms of diverse music taste…heck,dont get me wrong,..I am diverse!…but just,in an old school kind of way …lol…you know good old music…barry white (:-x), brian mcknight, Jon B, Tupac, Dre, Snoop, Creed,Spin doctors, Lighthouse, Sugar ray, three doors down, bob marley, rita marley, burning spear, morgan heritage, isaiah katumwa…see??,diverse.. but old.., so,I’m letting lose of my craving to be a dee-jay.No sad faces here though. However, if i ever meet anyone cool,who knew how…i cant’ say i would refuse to follow them like a puppy..and have some skills passed on to yours trully …but why lie,i think i am past that phase now.

This year i turn 28..very shortly..hehehe…i can see you gasping…oh well,gasp away…sina neno mimi..siogopi!…though,i still find I have stuff i would have liked to have gotten over by this age…which i havent…but hey,who says i dont get to do them??…If kina Mr.premier himselof and the likes of UK still still refer to themselves as the young gaurd/prime youth of this country…then by jove,..i do believe,i am still an infant …lol…Now,where was I?…I was telling you of the course am paying/signing up for…first,i called it a course …lol..so that alone should tell you its nothing fancy…hehehe…and it involves skills…which should tell you it would need me to roll my sleeves and get dirty…nothing blue collar that my mathe would approve of…and shiet!it costs a pretty penny…Any guesses??…anyone??…hehehe.I’m still not telling. Imagine I’m a little embarrassed about it. Why??you ask….because it’s not what you would expect someone in my career path to opt to do…Infact,when i do get the ballsies to actually pay up on it (comit fully)…I will lie to fellow students…I will tell them that I am a secretary or receptionist trying to grow my career :-)…I’m pretty sure that will resonate better..and they will be able to relate to me…then none of them will give me piercing looks…and judge me as to the reason why i have signed up for the class….And..yes,there’s more…for the first few days, i will duck into the said building in town with a cloak on and shades…before anyone has the chance to see me…I might consider carrying a change of clothes…(yes,it’s that serious..lol)…because,if you are a truthful person…you will admit that everyone gets judged on first appearances…and that is not the class you want to arrive at ..all suited up & all…nope!..you will look like you’re just trying to show people up roho safi…you want to arrive looking cute but dress a lil’plain and talk a lil’street…hehehe…anyways,we’ll see…Can you tell I’m nervous??…actually I am. I’m wondering whether I should go ahead with it. Did i ever tell you,I once had a brainstorm during one of my insomnia filled nights…that i should go do a tailoring/dressmaking course??…hehehe…and i was pretty dann convinced…Not because i like sewing. Infact, I hate sewing ..(it’s only therapeutic when the lonely bug bites…lol)..and i can tell you (*mega flash back alert) ..that my fourth form homescience teacher’s voice still haunts me…as she looked at the stitches on my garment and raruad them shouting..’yella,you have to undo this!!!..its all wrong & untidy!!”…damn!that woman..lol…So,nope I’m not a domestic woman who stitches my own petticoats …if only ….It’s Just because I wanted a skill to help me shape up a dream. But i never did get to do it. And it is not the class I’m about to sign up for…so you have to keep guessing. I only told you that short story so you get to know how random i can get …Infact, I Imagine if mother dearest got word that yella was doing a dress-making course??…hehehe…I can only imagine the disapproval…not because mathe is snotty/snobbish/high handed or anything like that…but because she’s like most of all other parents…she only considers jobs in big skyscraper buildings which involve boardrooms and uptown executives…a real job…hizo zingine for rolling your sleeves…are normally reserved for people’s shoodrens who didnt quite make the grade…or at least that’s what most of the older folks think..So,it nyimas her bragging rights when she meets fellow womenfolk…lol…I hope no one in our younger generation still thinks like that…cos I know for sure its not the education/theories you accumulate in your head…and certificates/commendations and accolades you stash in your briefcase that make you paper…it’s the brains…and skills…so am gonna get me some …and its gonna be my lil’secret…tehehehehe….

So,of late.. i have been busy as a bee (aside from leo)…helping other people work on their lives…and i cant help but think…I’m i just going to be someone who specializes in helping others along…but never quite gets there herselof??…God forbid..I wish my life would swing into action kidogo…if you know what i mean..*winks..Kwanza, before today.. i had (past tense..hehe) a bad habit. I always thought that admitting you are single is like wearing a sign that asks all random men to come forth to ‘jaribu bahati’…so if the conversation went there when i was out with pals…i would do a 360 of the menfolk at the table and mentally decide whether/not i wanted to entertain any advances/vybe from any of them…if i decided not,i would never admit i was single…but not say I was hooked up as well…I would just play up mystery..even if a guy singled me out.So,in the near past,i got to thinking…and i was like,that, ..is one bad habit,..it is a little bit dismissive and judgmental(lil’bit ..)…because judging people on face value is kaodo shallow (though we do it often)…but truth be told,it IS shallow…but sometimes,i am concerned if whether i am having this epiphany to change because of my ukame/drought stricken relationship status…lolest…(I’II admit me & girlfriends have a name for it)…but i thought some more…and especially after Bella (her wedding and all) and decided to drop the highhanded act…You see, Bella had dismissed the guy she just married for the longest…why??…i will admit he was’nt such a looker…and wasnt suave in his manner (I’d never say these things to her…infact these are imports straight from Bella’s mouth)…but when Bella was going through a tough break up…dude was still hanging around…so one day,we sat to coffee…and i asked her..have you exactly ever had a conversation with this guy?…she says.”yes.”…I asked, was he boring??..”No.”she answers…”infact he was funny and interesting’..was he a jerk?…yella asks…”No,infact he walked me right to the door of my house after the date”…mind you,Bella lives far far away…on the outer outskirts of the city..lol…so you can only imagine…and a poor nucca did not have a car..how sweet is that??…so i asked her,what exactly is your problem??…do you have an insect in your head??….(seriously,i asked her)..lol…I told her to give the guy at least three dates…if she hates his guts still..then,she can dismiss him…but a guy who has persisted that long ought not be dismissed without a hearing…I also added that concentrating on looks & suave swagger is very shallow…hehehe….and it’s on this last point that i decided to stop being so high-handed/hypocritical and take my own advice…because from Bella’s story,the dude turned out to be a real catch…na hio tabia yangu ya kufanya 360 around the room…what you see is looks & swagger…and seriously,that counts for shit!…And that was me (tene…hehe..) being shallow. So i decided to stop doing that. To stop playing off like i was hooked up to discourage people i thought looked a lil’spaced out and boring…because key word here is…’looks as if’…not ..’is’…But here comes the problem…nowadays,when i do admit i am single what do i get??…”Noooooo!!!….wacha uongo!!..you there’s no way you’re single….ati Yella is single??…how now??”…and am like seriously,I am!… And then a repeat of that…and eish,now I’m tired. It’s happened thrice now. Dude,if i tell you am single, I should know!!…dont’ go asking me how that is…take my word for it.lol. I am me. I should know my own relationship status right?…hehehe….Because what happens is I end up going back to old habit…just to shut some unbelieving fewl up..lol. But from now on…i will try to have at least two conversations with a dude…before dismissing him totally. Not to say I shall drop all standards..those must be had..but i shall have conversations with people :-)…And before you go thinking that the reason why i refuse to have conversations if i dont feel chemistry right from the get go is because I’m snotty/snobbish,..my friend,you are wrong!…It’s because i have learnt the hard way..on trying to get a man to stand down on his advances once you have given him the orange light and had a few dates with him…in your head, you are sure all systems have said No!No!No!….but a nucca will call you time and time again…and show up..Only just because you flickered orange…almost green…thats’ why i prefer to shine red…from the get-go…but seriously,i think i may have killed many a good men from trying with that red beam of mine…

Further in my defence on why i shine red, rather than flicker orange till i get an absolute reason to turn it red,..I will tell you a short story.. In my campus days(yes,it was tene…lol)…freshman year,i met this guy…he was a technology student…Seeing as i was all up to meet peepos and make friends…he was on some qeue…we chatted…made friends…gave him my real name..(dont laugh…read on)..Somehow,he found out my room number…that should have raised a warning flag in me head…but hey,it was campus,…i was young, naive and eager to make friends…so that i could get to know my way around campus faster right??…right!…so,dude started showing up randomly…At first,it didnt look too serious…but at some point…when he started showing up at midnight…i gave him the stand down orders…hehehe…and my goodness!!…you have not seen resilience yet…the boy now began to stop over like thrice a day…So,since i like to speak my mind..I told him he was now overstepping it…And NOT to come around anymore…so what happens??…a nucca now starts showing up with emissaries to speak for him…ma!ma!ma!…i was pissed!…you know i like to stay undercover…and now here he was…turning my room into a small courtroom drama on why i should’nt leave him….Now tell me,how can i leave a brother,if i never arrived in the first place?.eh?..So i pulled my roomie in (since she was a sympathiser)…and even she got tired and banned him from our room…So what did a fella do?…he started buying me cards…birthday cards (forget that it was not my birthday),Valentines cards…alafu when Vals(the actual day) fikad…si he swung by.. stinking of alcohol fumes with a valentines card stashed with Kshs.300/-. And this is what he had to say…(loudly nevermind that we had some cool dudes in the room (one of whom i had a crush on..so a nucca announces.)..”yella,why dont you love me??…(yes,love)…is it because i dont have many riches??(yes,riches!!)…Here,please accept this or i wont go away (even louder)”…woiwoi!woi!…..By the way,that day i let him have it good…I asked him how exactly he intended Kshs.300/- to saidia my life..i told him to take his shit and bounce lest i call security and file a formal complaint…So a nucca calms down and starts begging me ati he’s so sorry…he never meant to insult me…and more stupid shit in a high pitched whiny voice…I told him to bounce!!!…then the dudes in the room started asking kama kuna shida…(secretly laughing at the macho act…perfect!)…ka-dude took his stuff and potead laughing with his pals (yes,he came escorted by two others…and they ran laughing…ask me why,i cant tell)…after like five minutes…the card was rushwad under the door of the room minus the chums..lol…Can i begin to explain how the night ended with me being made the clown of the day…woi!woi!woi!…ati yella bana,kwani ulimkalia chapati??…lolest…seriously. All because of an orange light…not even green…by the way that nucca hounded me for a long long while.and it was scary. not flattering….it didnt help that I had broken up with boyfriend just around that time…However, a pal of mine (with muscles) talked to the dude and told him asione his cresse stalking behind near my room and the drama punguad kiasi….I say kiasi because from time to time…they were random knocks at my door past midnight…and chimpanzee laughs with heavy thuds of fooresh grown men running away heard…So,children…do you now understand why i dont flicker orange,but shine red??…hehehe…Incase you’re wondering, I heard the dude went to Mathare while we were in second year…apparently,he was smoking something dangerous on the side…so all that madness was not just about me…I felt relief. and safety. I will admit. But i felt sad for him. I would never have wished him that ending.

anyhue,moral of the story is I’m turning over a new leaf..I dont want to be that person who helps people along with their lives…but never really lives their own…I shall not dismiss instantly…i shall have conversations…hehehe..BUT,the moment anyone emits a chimpanzee laugh…or tries to suggest he loves me before l say my second name…”RED!!…and run for the hills”…lol…is that better??..I should think it is …comm’on I am trying to be good are’nt I?…hehehe.