Hellew good people….I’m back to make another attempt to complete a post…I am in the office…quite bored and hence I decided to digress from my usual work and write something here…So, I’m looking very suspicious as I keep looking over my shoulder not to get busted, hii open plan hii haisaidii maisha kamwe…However, I do look very busy :-)…hehehe
Soooo, seeing as I forgot what my internal conflicts were when I last posted, I will just go with what’s in my head right now. So did I tell you good folks that I went back to school to do my masters?…and how slow moving has that trailer been?…I must say I can confirm with a lot of authority that I am not an academician…ahem…I do not enjoy evening classes…I do not enjoy trying to make friends…I do not enjoy being bossed over by lecturers in the usual Kenyan fashion where you dumb down so as not to offend your lecturer’s ego…Me thinks, a post graduate class abroad seems more pleasant (from what I hear)…I hear, they engage and debate with their lecturers and professors as equals…they speak freely and usually when on scholarship, have the luxury of being full time students…awwwh, how wonderful :-). Now, as I have experienced it, some lecturers use dated practical information from the web and seeing as most of them are full time lecturers they are quite out of touch with the actual current practice…So what you get is the usual packaged theories and notes and text book case studies….yawn!…With this kind of learning experience, Yella finds it very difficult to concentrate in class after work…for me, you have me for like the first hour where after my mind wonders out of the window and travels home, enters my fridge to grab a snack…*shameface….I know, I know….what happened to discipline and eagerness to learn…well, I happen not to quite possess it…In fact Kenyan professors are quite strange …well, not all…but most I have encountered have quite the chip on their shoulders…and an ego the size of a golf course…hehehe…If anyone has encountered better, God bless you my child…lol…So, just as I have struggled with my poor concentration and gotten to my last semester, the lethargy has become worse. Then guess what, seeing as I am still doing course work and my thesis, in a bid to make graduation in 2015…As i dragged my feet to register, I was informed that two of the courses I still have left do not travel together…I was absolutely dumbfounded….what??????!!!!….so, the good admin person tells me one is a prerequisite of the other…and asks me why I failed to read the university catalogue…and in my head….my very abstract mind went like…’what catalogue?”….goodness!!…turns out there is a bulky catalogue which I failed to pay attention to that has such details…So, last week, my life has been moving from office to office begging for pardon for my offense…in a bid to make it to graduation this year…but all I get is a re-stating of policy and reference to the catalogue. the bloody catalogue. I guess it is a hard lesson this one. Very hard indeed. I have never worked so hard only to get to the finish line and slip. So, they now tell me, dont worry, you can take one this semester and another next semester and graduate in 2016. ….*insert sound of my heart breaking*…I guess this is how I pay for my sins of floating around class constantly exhausted…I am still on the begging spree…But I intend to give up if nothing gives this week…if this is the way it must be, I’m sure God has a reason…Though I am much much broken by it…but like they say, its not a life & death scenario…but 2016??!!!….*lets out huge sigh…so many things could happen by then….King Mswati could take me as a wife…I could get a call from statehouse for the job of my life as a diplomat somewhere lush..I could meet a husband who forbids me to attend school…hehehe…all sorts of crazy things could happen….I was ready to graduate now…in 2015….but I shall trudge on…may God give me energy.
In other news, here we are in the wonderful month of February,…I am still as single as I was since I last got broken up with in 2013. ahhhh, February 2013 was quite something…I resigned from my job, and got walked out on by a man I absolutely loved…but I tell you life is quite something…you think you will fall apart into shreds…and then a day comes when the past pain doesnt even resonate an ounce of pain in your heart…soooooooo weird…I remember those six months after the break up…it was soooo hard…I had nothing to do all day but post job applications, pray and cry…and I cried. And, for the record, I am not a crier. I cried so much on some days I had no tears so I would just wretch and make weird sounds. I felt physical pain in my heart and wondered if a heart actually shatters for real…lol..I detested the thought of love again. Any mention of the man and my voice would break and my eyes would water…woi. what a mess!…who knew I was capable.lol…and this is exactly why I dont regret that phase in life. Before that relationship, I considered myself quite cold. At least, I discovered I was full of mush inside after all…hehehe…right now I giggle…back then, not so much. Long and short of it…today, no pain registers. so weird. nostalgia sometimes, yes, I will admit. pain, nuuuh. bitter?…nuuuh…So here I am, in February 2016, not in pain. not bitter. somewhat optimistic on love and a tad bit lonely. I tell you, God makes all things better in His time. But loneliness is not such a good feeling. Especially when people look so perfectly happy holding hands and their adorable babies in tow. It leaves you wondering, whatever happened to you?…life doesnt quite go as planned. So, I turn 32 this year. Yes, I done gone said it. I am not ashamed. I am grateful for the far I have come. But sometimes I am afraid, I will turn into those aunties with careers who dot on other peoples children…who depend on the job for the vacuum of family…and I shudder. But then I remember, worrying will do me no good, seeing as I cant tell the future. Besides, I have come to learn that life spins drastically. One moment you are crying. The next you are so full of joy you feel guilty about it. So I am hopeful. I have decided to just work with what works…work the job, take care of the body, love the family you have and enjoy some of the cheddar you make as you strut in those heels which test your balance…hehehe…Something will give. God is a friend of mine. But what makes all this much harder is temptation. hwuat!!!….I am grateful, I have admirers. But some of them are sleaze balls…lol…and depending on how loud the echoes are…sometimes they look kinda cute..even when you know its gonna just mess with your system…So I’m currently fighting temptation…there is this one temptation…has a girlfriend but follows me around like a puppy…lets call him oreo….hehehe…because he looks tasty…and hes chocolatey…just the way I like…very fresh with his words…and such a good kisser…yes, I have sunk.lol…that was before I knew he had a girlfriend…he wont stop following me around…and on the days when my echoes are loud, I hang out, dance, laugh…but I ended the kissing games…because they were making my dragon wake up…it has been sound asleep for quite a while now…cant believe Im saying these things here…but now, ah!walefa men…..soooo, oreo is always available…I believe he is following me around hoping…hehehe…bt seeing as I dont buy the whole…my relationship is dry, we have problems kinda thing…and I have a moral compass that will not let me eat my oreo in peace…its frustrating sometimes. So I enjoy the attention. and this oreo is yummy. so I dont know…my friends say I am quite an idiot…and on a high horse…and a prude…etc etc…all manner of insults…hehehe….for not eating the oreo…but I told myself…self, you know you wont live it down…especially when you always stretch thou hands to be prayed for to get not only an oreo…but the good kind…that doesnt just leave you getting fillings at the dentist. hehehe…so much symbolism. Im sure your head hurts. well. temptations. I just dont want to tell oreo to stop following me around hoping…I kinda like it. he smells good. talks a good game. and is a phone call away. is this what they call hypocrisy?…double standards?….mimi sijui…I am asking Jesus for help to deal. Everyday. This echoes. They dont help. That aside, life hasnt been too bad. No serious suitors yet. But not too shabby. I crave something warm and meaningful but in the meantime, I intend to laugh, dance and enjoy life as it has been given to me. On the down days, I sulk for a while, ask Jesus questions, then push myself out of it and back to the trail…On the days, I’m very bored, I listen to oreo…and the rest of the bunch who have no noble interests..lol…and enjoy the attention and pretend they are not worth my time…because I have other people who have noble interests…where??..lol…then, I will go home and sulk knowing that I am a fraud and just as miserable and alone as the next person…but forgive myself by justifying that I did this in the name of dodging eating the oreo…so I let him follow me around, sometimes use him like he’s using me…to fill a void…but I have purposed not to cross the bridge. Just cause i believe in kharma…hehehe..so February 2015, has found me happier…but still single and not strong enough not to feel echoes as I watch other people hold hands and love each other…but I chose not to dwell on sadness and echoes…kukaa ndani na series…lol…pretend valentines is a normal day…one day, I shall find my person to make me hold my breath in anticipation…hehehe 🙂
Other than the above, life is alright…I am healthy…alive…I have people who love me…and though things are not exhilarating at work…they are coming along…which reminds me of another story i wanted to tell here…
First, I need to say that I am not telling this story from a judgmental point of view….if you sense judgment from my tone of voice, its prolly right…lol…I am judging…but I acknowledge that I mustn’t …and if I do, I apologize in advance. So, the story is about loneliness. and suicide. The lesson I took from it, is to always be grateful for love…and that to have love and to give love is to be rich. and this is all that matters. not just love between girl and boy…but any kinda love. give and get :-)…so this is the story of a boy who we shall call dent. (quit looking at me like that)….i chose to call him that…cos that’s the name that came to me. so dent is a boy in his late twenties. he comes from a well to do family. which loves to keep appearances. according dent’s mum and dad, they never fight, they never get broke. They live in a beautiful house. They dont disclose how far sunk they are in debt. They spend lavishly on dent and his siblings. Dent and his siblings are not social people. They stay indoors mostly. Have all the gadgets their hearts desire, pocket money and access to cars etc. They have few friends. The siblings get along. But they have parallel lives. None quite knows what goes on in the others lives. They live in the same house. I dont know dent very well. But I know he was lonely. Or rather, this is the judgment I have come to pass. It all started with a frantic phonecall informing us of Dent’s passing. Dent is no longer with us they say. He inhaled fumes when he was warming up his room with a jiko and fell asleep. Jiko???….who uses jikos in those surburbs??…Dent and his siblings do not strike me as folks who know about jikos. But we listen to the story as it’s told and believe it. As we have no reason not to…and so what if we dont. Later on, we get to learn that Dent ingested some drugs and took his own life. That his body was discovered in his bedroom. Three days after he had passed on. The smell in the room was sickening as was the disposition of the body. His juices leaked, his eyeballs popped. The worst kind of a scene. The house had occupants during all three days. His siblings, mum and dad were home on all three days. How come no one knew of Dent?…and what had become of him?…Parallel lives. So who discovered Dent?…Turns out on the day Dent committed suicide, their live in housemaid went on leave. The housemaid was fond of Dent. Didnt quite understand him as he didnt speak much. But they had a system. She knew what time he would come down to the kitchen to feed self. She knew his routine. She knew he liked his eggs. So as she went on leave, she left the fridge stocked up with a good supply of eggs. Upon her return, the eggs were untouched. She wondered what had become of the routine. She worried. Like any worried person, went to his room. On finding it closed, she knocked. No answer. She wondered what the foul smell was…and quickly ran to get Dent’s dad. He also made his attempt to knock and call out…and knock again…then banging ensued. To no avail. The story goes that Dent did not have a talking relationship with his dad. Because his dad once slapped him when he was in high school. They used Dent’s mum as a go between. For money, and access to the family car. The noise got the attention of Dent’s siblings. Soon, they requested the gardener to break down the door. Only to find a sight that would horrify them for days to come. There lay Dent. It seems his suicide was premeditated as he had blocked all air pockets in his room with old newspapers. So Dent left us. A lonely boy he was. He was surrounded by people. But was alone. Three days people. Three friggin days. No one wondered where he was. Only one person wondered. The housemaid. Over the non-absence of eggs. Three days. A house with a mum, dad and siblings. A beautiful house. Dent had all the gadgets he ever wanted. And money. And a car. Their house had a lawn. The green kind. They had cushy seats…the kind I dream of owning. In my tiny pad. Dent had a celly. It was full of numbers. Three Days.
My heart sympathizes. I wish I took more interest to know Dent. Who he was. But he was out of reach. He was a kid who lived in suburbia all his life. I thought he was ‘those fortunate people’. He had a bright career path. Heck, he was a pilot. Shit! I wish I was a pilot. Those folks wear fancy uniforms with important stripes. The way they roll those suitcases past the rest of common folkses. Wow!…
This story makes me sad. Very Sad for dent. He had no chance. I guess it was his time. It had come. But in three days, there was no need for an ambulance.
That is a true vacuum. surrounded. But, alone. Rich but very poor.
Let us give love and be grateful that we have love. Even the watchman who wonders where you have been when you dont show up at work shows that you have love. Be grateful for love. Others only have a charade. They seem to have it, but dont. If you have no love, go out and give it…it is reciprocal. Don’t sit in sulking. People need your love. Even the newspaper vendor would love to hear you wish him a good morning. People love to be loved. If you are lonely. Love those around you. Don’t wait for someone to love you or for that person who qualifies to be loved by you. Anyone qualifies. Give love. Get love. If your lonely and the voices in your head convince you to leave this earth. This beautiful earth. Don’t listen. I know it’s tough and echoes can get loud. But please, don’t listen. Keep pushing on. It gets better.
May Dent rest in peace. A boy I hardly knew. My heart goes out to him.
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