Life is a ………!!!!…but no one wants it to end :-)

Hey people, hows it going??…I know, it’s been too long…too. too. But yes, I have been here. Well, not here here…Just up and about..living this life. I’m telling you so much has frickin’ changed about me!…I don’t even know where to start…

Lets’ start with one of the good ones…I am a mummy!…to a beautiful chubby baby girl who is almost two…yeap, part of what’s been keeping me busy!..She’s just the cutest thing who thinks stepping on my bare feet with her bike and me wincing in pain is the most hilarious thing ever. I swear sometimes kids have you confused as a parent. When you’re so ready to pinch…they giggle and look at you to see if you are sharing the joke…sometimes they end up thinking your cross face is your funny face and you are sitting there thinking…no!no!no!…only to be met with more giggles…some other things she does is spit on me…put her finger in her mouth and swipe it across my face and when I say Yuck!!!…she falls into pits of laughter and I am confused and fall into laughter myself…She does the cutest funniest things. Or maybe I only think their cute because I bore her!…lol…another funny thing is she picks all the wrong things to repeat as part of her speech…we’re trying to teach her how to talk. Funny thing is, I will sit there repeating all the right things…like please, thank you, sorry, excuse me..while she totally ignores me. only for me to exclaim, ‘auwi!!’ when doing something random…and she will not stop saying this my friends. It’s quite strange to meet a chubby almost two year old who exclaims, ‘auwi!!’ at every turn for no reason….hahaha!!…I have completely failed in trying to erase it…how??!!…so for the purposes of this blog, and just because I can, lets call litu baby yella, tomato. lol. …yes, tomato. She’s my baby, I get to give her whatever pet name I choose.

So Tomato turned my world upside down. Mine and her dads’. We have argued, brawled, hissed at each other, laughed, loved, hugged …and this life can be exciting, overwhelming and just plain exhausting. All in all, Tomato warms my heart. Made me the complete goo mush ball I never imagined I would be. It’s like becoming a mummy makes you a walking patrol sergeant that wants to make sure all kids are safe, warm and happy. Even those you meet on the street…your heart aches for. Before having a baby, you’d prolly be like,…whose kid is this…oh, too bad! Now, such things bug you. I thought it was only me, till the other day, Caramel (baba tomato) got all wound up and pissed about how a school bus was being driven…lol…usually we’d be like minding our own business…hahaha!…so yes, having shoodren makes one a better person. A more feeling person. And if the rest of ya’ll want to argue about that…issokei. It’s just my own observation using my own before and after.

So currently, I’m in a lull at work. Like plateau. Nothing is happening. I been working hard. Trying to impress the boss and then what do they go and do…hire someone as my colleague…to do exactly what I do…pay the new lady more than they do me…then tell me they are not doing any increments as we are currently broke and facing financial crisis…and as much as they value me, they cannot increase my salary without causing an uprising among other staff demanding more…I dont’ buy that for shit. I feel depressed about it. I feel disrespected thoroughly. But Big Boss person still calls on me to give opinions and such like things…not to mention I brought in some money recently. Good money. I unstuck it. Where it had been stuck. I feel bad. What to do??…I don’t feel ready to quit…because first, I am with child…and second, our relationship with Caramel has seen its roughest road bumps based on money fights…It’s never enough!…So, picture me trying to give that speech that I quat because I was feeling disrespected….Yeap, ladies and gentlemen, when you have child to feed, you think less about your litu ego…and more about the bottom line. Shit.

So everyday, nowadays, I wake up and my body is refusing…It generally has aches saying…’don’t go to work!’..I have to remove it, take it to the shower and force it to report with a smile. I am currently praying to Jesus for a change of this attitude.

Then, I am turning 36 this year. Good bye youth!!!…*sobs uncontrollably

This year btw, irregardless (there goes uhunyes word) of all the above, I feel so good about 2019!!!…It just seems like the year to be in. Leave alone that I feel so let down by my employer and Baba Tomato. Now this Baba Tomato.

Baba Tomato has not married me officially. We have a marriage for the plantation (as my kinsmen would say)…Now, I am fully aware that I made my bed and I must lie in it. But I feel bad about it. Baba Tomato is dodge about it. It makes me feel insecure. Like I should play my cards close to my chest. Like it’s still a temporary arrangement. Countless older women have told me, ‘ Aye! Yella, But you are married!…si munaishi? si analipa? si ni wako? …alafu???”…. I still don’t feel legitimate. I feel like I don’t belong. My hoity toity self never imagined myself having a marriage ‘of the plantations’ or for those better exposed to the dialect, ‘of mafefeine’..(usually a term used to describe dodgy people who live together secretly without coming out to declare their commitment to one another)…I am disappointed :-(…. His reluctance also causes me to wonder. I don’t feel secure :-(. I don’t feel that I trust Baba Tomatos’ reluctance.

He calls it pressure. It makes me sad. Three years going on four. This year I have purposed to pray more about it and speak less on it. But see, I’m still blurting it out here…hehehe…so I guess it means I’m still feeling some type of way. I’m also scared it means, me and Baba Tomato are not together forever. We are instead, ‘come we stay and trying to see if’….nkt!…with all my years…who has time for trial and error??!!…ach!…thing is baba tomato, plays the part fully. He just hasnt…(wont?) go down the altar?…I ronno…But we converse and laugh like good pals..we don’t bang as much as we used to :-(..but when it happens, it happens!…I told you. A lull. My life. This is what has happened.

I need to ran away. From my lull. To think and come back with resolve. Somewhere quiet. Somewhere with fresh air. Sit under a tree and think about my life.

Only my Tomato seems genuine at this point. Everyone else seems fake as cutlery from China….Only my Tomato. Who spits on me. lol…And Jesus, who you can tell the truth. I shall be kneeling down more to pray this year for sure. I think my mouth hasn’t helped my relationship much. It is usually good at manipulation. I am tired. Honestly tired! Tired of being good at mouthing off. Tired. Tired of giving relentlessly. Tired of not being selfish. Tired of taking the high road.Tired of not being claimed and married. lol…I actually don’t know what this obsession is. It just feels like I am illegitimate. I know about common law marriages btw so shut the hell up. lol….I just want a good old go back to the parents, pay the friggin’ dowry…get to the church on a weekday, get us the blessing, have a good old party after with good wine…good sex and honeymoon if lucky…Baba Tomato is a litu stingy if I can be honest, so a good honeymoon would be an absolute dream!…I know my person, so again, shut the hell up…He may be stingy but he’s many good other things…So please Jesus, make the desire of my heart come to be!…I want my family to be on a good foundation. If it is not in your will, give me the grace to accept your will. Amen!

*Bonus: ION, Tomato is a month shy off two years. She almost knows how to count one to ten, but because I tickle her when we get to ten…she thinks the number ten stands for ‘tickle me’…lol…ok, thats not very funny no??…lol,….I told you!!…I’m now a useless piece of moosh!…hehehehe!…shall I ever recover??…I don’t know *shrugs

grown up chronicles…

hellew peepos…How have you been…I hear an eery silence…but that’s not something to stop me…there comes a time when I just needs to let it out…and since I find myself twiddling my thumbs in the office..I figured why not. Turns out the office nowadays is a slow affair. Not much happening. Poor returns/ performance have led to a freeze on capital investments which means my desk has little to no traffic. And you’re sitting there thinking, I am probably the cause seeing as I am here typing away while I should be coming up with brilliant ideas on how to salvage the situation…no?..yes??…hahaha…well, Perhaps. Tis my only reply. However, I must say kuna watu wanakura…na sio kwa masho…so hence the current situation. My minutes away to type?…probably, but hardly!…hehehe…If you’re having a slow day your prolly wondering what I am on about…but I have no energy to explain so have a seat. Now, did I tell you guys at some point I got to go on an amazing trip abroad…to train…I swear that was one swell life experience. I seen things. beautiful things. And it was truly ozam memories which I shall forever cherish.

Another piece of good news, is that me and caramel are still on and strong. He be loving this lady and I am also now quite sold.like really really. He makes me smile. I must confess I don’t see the whole picture with him. But he makes me happy. I am learning to let go of trying to control everything and celebrate the present. Also investing positive in the present. So, we have been going at it for a year and a half now. During this time, I got told by the doctor that I have those godforsaken fibroids…I was quite worried. The particular doctor was a professor.He actually told me I had a huge womb and was infertile and left me to go figure. All this while, he kept peering in my face…until I had to ask, ‘doc, why are you looking at me like that?’…to which he said..’he wanted to see my reaction.’ Now I did wonder what kind of doctor would take pleasure in delivering such news. Anyway, he quickly explained that I was to schedule an appointment with his office to have surgery to remove the fibroids and he would get me started on fertility treatments. Notwithstanding that I was not married, was only dating and had not envisaged having a baby. It’s like these gynecologists do not even care if you want a baby, if you have the resources to support a baby, they immediately form a plan on how to get you pregnant. Long and short of it is I got a second and a third consult…both of whom agreed the professor doctor was out of line…and confirmed there was no way to declare one infertile without them even trying to get pregnant (I had never attempted to get pregnant). It was a pretty depressing time but I must say thank God the naysayers lost.

Turns out after I had the candid discussion with the boyfriend, his mind span as was expected, but he did not bail.Honestly, I cant say if the roles weren’t switched, that I wouldn’t have bailed myself. Caramel and I went to see consult number two who also insisted on examining Caramel. That’s where it gets funny. Caramel won’t stop saying I’m the only lady who made him have his balls felt by another man.lol…I kept saying…hallo, free check up..lol…Anyhue, it was a valley of decision for me as consult number one and two shared an opinion that I should immediately try to conceive. Somehow in the blurry of disappointment, I decided to heed this advise and have the serious conversation with Caramel. I always thought that if my lady parts had a wift of swimmers scent, I would get pregnant and here was this barrage of doctors telling me different. I was quite disappointed. Anyway, I must say God is good, All the damn time. Caramel after getting over the shock was very supportive and willing to go the whole nine miles. So we begun to do the do, without the ninios. I am now a couple of days late. I know not how things will flow. I just feel secretly excited and panicky at the same damn time. I pray that all is in God’s hands. I cannot lie, I know I am far from righteous as i have been frolicking in fornication things. I am praying for God to grant us the resources to bring our relationship into his light. I may be with child. I may get married. I may need to move. I may need to explain to the folks. I may need to carry the man in tow. There are so many things running through my mind. One things for sure, either way, I will need Jesus to walk with me. I shall be happy and I shall sit under a tree to gather my emotions for a meeting and try and ponder the way forward.

All the same, it comes with a feeling of hope. A renewed faith that Jesus is the last word in every situation. I am hopeful. I am anxious. I am happy. I am all sorts of things. And you’re the first to know. Yes, you’re that spezio :-)…shhhhhh!…dont tell nobody!!

 

About that life…

Good morning peepos!!!….I know I sound all cheery but it is definitely far from how I’m feeling right now. No, I’m not sad. No, I’m not hungry….I’m weak…from semi starvation…sounds idiotic donnit. So, turns out my work colleagues did the ten day detox plan by Jane Mukami in December..so following their rave reviews about how fabulous they felt after, glowy skin and shed weight,..since I’m not one to shy away from a challenge (after I confirm there’s no death threats involved)…I decided..January being the season of low finances and little activity would be an ideal time to take up the detox challenge…nevermind, this Sunday I attended church and got lumped into the cliche of peeps who try new things in January..worse still, detox, diets and such fads…*rolls eyes…Oh, well. I am that person…hehehe..bite me. I begun last week on Tuesday and at first it was tough but I was determined. Today is day 8!…Ladies and Gentlemen, I feel like CRAP!…lol….woi, I feel shakey and queasy and dizzy…Funny enough, the sight of food doesnt make me feel weak at the knees but I think my body is saying it is starved…I have that hollow feeling you have when you have a drink up and wake up the next morning with a nasty hangover and suddenly it becomes urgent that you look for anything meaty and greasy…it also feels like I’m not getting enough air in my lungs so I have to keep taking deep breaths…hehehe,…donti wollay..by the time I see little lights dancing around my head, I shall reach out for the burger :-P…lol…tis’ a bleeding shame I know…That I’m still thinking of those nasty things…hehehe…But, it might be me who did it wrong. Yesterday I had mad errands. Not the right day to get busy when your energy levels are waaaaaaaaaay low. That was stupid. Some of it was fate though…had me walking all around the town under the hot sun…and I suppose that used up all the “skujujoos” (as Caramel calls it…) in my system…my body was screaming…I was getting the shakes…and guess what…I still had more errands to run in town…and to get myself home with the jav…oi!!…I snacked on nuts like they said…and drank or rather chugged on the water bottle…if only to trick the body that it had eaten something…I swear by the time I was heading downtown to take a jav…I was honestly praying I would’nt faint…lest them folks at Odeon remove my shoes and do all sorts of nasty things in the name of first aid..*coughs…ahem,..So I prayed fervently and thought of other things besides my hunger…and I made it to the location…however, at the said location, they needed my energy…and I swear, I that now is the challenge. How not to wear that poster on your forehead. First, admitting you are mad hungry and weak while on a detox makes you look like a crazy person to normal folks…cos they dont get it. They wonder why??!!!….and you come off as this irate person who is fukuzaing siri ya urembo….lol….hehehehe, well now, in my defense, scratch that…I aint’ gat no defense…tis’ exactly the thing…lol…anyway, I kid. The main reason I’m doing it was to prove my mind has power over food and all things tamaa. Period. Okay, I lie. I would’nt mind fitting better into my clothes…but see, the thing is…its fake weight loss…its rapid, but fake because unless you keep up with hideous low amounts of calories (and pris no one throw shoes at me…tis’ only my opinion)…then you’re gonna pile them back on.

So here I is, struggling to get through day 8. I have already drank the skujujuus for today’s breakfast…and now I look forward to my measly handful of nuts snack at 10.30am…tsk tsk. Anyhue, tomorrow the plan re-introduces one meal at lunchtime (Praise Jesus!!) and after that day 10 is the last day…wish me luck!!…I intend to do very little today…Jana almost killed me doing menial tasks on a low calorie diet…I will sit at my desk and not move until I have to.lol…

Me and Caramel have been doing great…okay, not all the time..but most of the time…some things about the relationship still make me nervous…especially that he is in the place where he is hypersensitive about stuff..cos of love things…hehehe…but its from a good place…its from the heady place of luuuurve. Well, I’m loving him right back. We’re supposed to take an AIDS test. I know, so late down the line…but either way. He hates that I am making him do it with me. But, I think its important. He gets very nervous about it and almost irritable…and that makes me nervous too. In his mind, he thinks he’s the only person susceptible to carrying the disease because he thinks …basically, Im a goody two shoes and he was all about that bad boy life. That, makes me nervous. But the only way to know is to get on with it right?…the last time we attempted…oi!..it was disastrous. First, let me tell you folks…VCT is very much the worst place to visit…why do I say this…it invites all sorts of judgment and knowing looks and fishy smiles…especially when it you and the man in tow…I dont know why Caramel thinks I would be easy about it…that I am not panicky on the face does’nt mean there are no undercurrents in my belly…Its all about the stigma. Second, there are not that many VCT centres open long enough in the urban centres…I think the presumption is that folks who need these free services live in the slums …which is quite the misconception. We tried about three places that were closed…it was a sunday afternoon…I know we should try harder and we shall..but it is not fun walking in and asking for the test…it is never discrete…and the receptionist always gives you the look…So, if anyone knows somewhere discrete…in and out…I would appreciate it. Anyhue, that one is till yet to get done. You should see look on Caramel’s face the last time we tried to look…it was like I was pulling his teeth…after, I had to take him to have a beer…and we did’nt even get to take the test…because we happened to bounce!…good grief!…it should be easier. That is all.

Remember last time I introduced that I moved Jobs…its now almost three years…still going strong…but off late it has become quite slow. The government apparently is broke…hence business is low peak. When, I’m idle, I am definitely not productive…so thats scaring me. I decided to take free online courses while I can to keep busy and current. Btw, the job took me on training abroad. My first trip to Europe and boy was it fresh! hehehehe….a litu cold…(weather and people alike)…but new things, new experiences…definitely loved the experience!…was I glad to be back?…Oh,for sure!!!…Meeiiinnn, let me tell you, if there is anything I detest about European countries is the picture perfect flow of things…I know that sounds absolutely cray cray…but this thing for people always following the clock, systems, processes is somewhat robotic…I hate it!…I love the imperfect african world…well not its evils…but I love that we never get quite as urbane as we’d like…coming back, I felt so happy…I loved the noise on the streets..was music to my ears…I loved the different people…the mkokoteni guy placed on the same street with the sleek range rover guy…the suited up dude in the mabati nyama place…I just love the mix of odds and ends…I loathe the perfect quiet streets abroad…especially the quiet…cars parked outside houses with no noise…signs of children but no noise…no smell of food wafting through the neighborhoods…people minding their own business…I used to think I liked that…but now I appreciate that random conversation in the jav…those sloppy jokes shared by total strangers…there is beauty in imperfection…for sure.

I want to quit this detox. Now. what to do. I dont want to be a quitter. But I want to quit. I dont see why I’m doing it…aside from to prove I am not a quitter. I feel like crappity crap!…Let’s see if I will fold…*reaches for water bottle and crunches nuts sadly….

…to concede or fold…

good morning people :-)…I’m not even sure there’s even people who come here anymore but I always use it as some sort of journal…so here goes…

Turns out, I am in a relationship…once again…Oh boi!…it scares me…I don’t think of the longevity of it…because I have come to know that I actually might be a commitment phobe…if there’s any such thing….I want the whole happily ever after thing…but then there’s that eery realization that once you commit, you cant get out…and that strikes some fear in my core…I watch people with sunken shoulders …and sneer imprints on they faces …from constant despise of their better halfs…and they have perfected the art of making do…not caring…they have accepted that love is not a thing for marriage…and they think love is for fools…and youngins’….and this scares me…I dont want to be that person…and they seem to make up the majority of the population…and committing to me …is exposing self to this risk…and I keep wondering how I would escape forming part of the majority statistics…especially knowing me…I am a bit stubborn, struggling with maturity in terms of learning to hear other people over the sound of my own voice…and that appears to be recipe for disaster in a long term relationship..I am also scared of being silenced…or being conformist and losing my soul…becoming a print of the other person and having no distinct print of yourself…and people say, you find your person…who allows you to be…but truth be told…no one allows you to be. it is a lie. you know why??…because, if you live with someone and they keep allowing you to be…means chances are they are letting you have your way a lot of the time…and that one day, they will be tired of falling back and allowing you to be…and they will also want you to let them be…now when two people…all want to be let to be…then you have two hard walls..hence I have come to realise…this notion of ‘let me be’ in a relationship…actually means..’let me have my way, do things the way I see fit, be as I want to be” …and in essence, do you notice a lot of self in those declarations???…turns out, selfish is the fastest way to sink a relationship…and I am selfish…not extremely…but I admit, I am. Selfish. I think human beings are inherently selfish. as the norm. There are exceptions. But, I would opine, the norm is to be selfish. This is the reason why, when you go out of your way to help someone…or do something good…the usual feeling..is that you deserve a pat on your back..for being so good…now, if being selfless and good was inherent…it would mean that when you do selfless actions, it would feel normal and routine…therefore..yella concludes that we are inherently selfish as humans. Now, relationships then require you to be selfless…as they require you not to demand of people to..’let you be’ but to indulge them more..’to become’….and this is tough shit!…meeeeeeiiinnnn!!!!…being selfless is tough…being mature is being selfless and restraining the urge to brag about it later…or to demand a pat on your bag for the same…lol…and this is tough…I dont know if I could do it…I certainly wish I could…and I have hence resorted to praying to Jesus to help me…because I have realized I cannot do this by myself. because I am selfish. I like having my way. And because I have a way with words…I like to walk my victims over to my side…using lingual manipulation, physcology (reverse or otherwise)..tears…whatever it takes…because I like to win. My profession requires confidence and detests losers. I suppose, it makes the problem worse. I win a lot too. But honestly, I cant take credit for that. Because half the time, I rely on Jesus for my wins. The only thing that holds me back from being altogether evil about my wins or pursuit of wins, is my conscience. So, as I begun, I am in a relationship…one which I am trying to fathom for the long term. It scares me shitless. I know of my lack of selflessness. I know of my urges to win. And I know it can lead to my potential loss of another relationship…So I am needing Jesus. I am praying. Watching myself. I want to be good. I want to love. The Jesus kind  of love. That is selfless and does not keep a record of wrongs. That is not proud and does not boast. Unfortunately, I am all this things. Trust me, dont feel bad for me…I am not self deprecating. I am being utterly honest. I am a sore loser. I keep grudges as a result. And, I like to win. All those are recipes for disaster in a relationship. Hence, I need Jesus. I have Him at heart and I am asking, praying, for selflessness, for love, for words that bring healing and not wounding..(I know about that, trust me)…and I cant say I feel hopeful. But, I am praying for that too. To have faith.

Now, let me tell you about the man…Lets call him Caramel…Just because I want to…hehehe…he is sweet. he is short. he has a nice dimple. he is caring. he is chubby. he loves me. he is funny as hell. he is detail oriented. he takes criticism hard. he works hard. he is loving. he is a little frugal. he suits up nice. he says nice things to me. he wants to make me his wife. he thanks God for me. he hold his hands akimbo sometimes (i dont like this). he belches from deep within his diaphragm. he susus by the roadside. he makes a mean french toast. he kisses me randomly. he gets pissed when anyone tries to mess with me. he loves his tipple. he loves his mum. he comes with me to church. he prays. he has a naughty laugh that makes me join in. he farms. he likes animals. he likes people. he is warm. he is smitten. he doesnt eat as much of my cooking as I’d like. He keeps his hygiene. He might have a temper. he loves his family. he is stubborn. he loves his mum. hes a peacemaker. he loves rugby. he plays rugby. he likes movies. he likes rock music. he likes to see me happy. he exerts himself to make me happy. he apologizes. he’s a monkey. he’s serious about his money. he gets regular haircuts. hes cute. he gives me random kisses. he thinks I’m hot.and sexy. he thinks Im smart. hes not threatened by me. He likes that I want to be CEO one day. hes not jealous about my achievements. He’s smart. He knows random things. he cant fix cars. he hates cleaning. hes a positive thinker. he tells me he loves me. he hates being boxed. he concedes. he hates ultimatums. he wants to get married. he wants children. wants to own his own business. he swims. he doesn’t do gym. he has a big tummy. he has an adorable smile. he is physically fit. he gives a good romp. he snores when he sleeps. he holds me when I sleep. he wakes up to swat mosquitoes. he tells me his dreams. he shares his bad days. he listens to me. not all the time. he waits for me. he doesn’t get mad at me when I make him wait for me. he gets mad when I miss his calls. He hates it when I don’t talk to him. It makes him mad.he lives away from the city. he contemplates quitting his job to come back to the city. he goes quiet when he’s under pressure. he thinks I’m funny. he thinks I like my way. he likes how I smell. he thinks I’m a goody-two-shoes. hes anxious about taking a HIV test. he’s a mans’ man. he’s roguish sometimes. he hates condoms. he’s not sure that I love him as much as he does me. He doubts me. He feels lucky to be with me.

…and that’s a short summary…I could go on and on…

Isn’t all the above confusing?

So, I Yella …in a relationship…long term focused. Not sure about anything. Cant forecast. Just walking. One step at a time. Liking it. Missing the man when he’s not here. Not sure if I am in love. Or working my way there. Cant tell if hes good for me or not. He made half my checklist and failed the other half. Confusing. But I’m talking to Jesus about it. Feeling guilty about it too…seeing as I am not married to Caramel yet. But we indulge. But I am not perfect. I am a person. Jesus person. He will help me find my way. I am learning to concede. Concessions are not my thing. I am building that muscle. I am not doing so well at it. But I am getting better. Maturing. Letting other people be.sometimes. and being the other times..I am happy. And that is all. For now. 🙂

All sorts of thoughts…collected.

Hellew good people….I’m back to make another attempt to complete a post…I am in the office…quite bored and hence I decided to digress from my usual work and write something here…So, I’m looking very suspicious as I keep looking over my shoulder not to get busted, hii open plan hii haisaidii maisha kamwe…However, I do look very busy :-)…hehehe

Soooo, seeing as I forgot what my internal conflicts were when I last posted, I will just go with what’s in my head right now. So did I tell you good folks that I went back to school to do my masters?…and how slow moving has that trailer been?…I must say I can confirm with a lot of authority that I am not an academician…ahem…I do not enjoy evening classes…I do not enjoy trying to make friends…I do not enjoy being bossed over by lecturers in the usual Kenyan fashion where you dumb down so as not to offend your lecturer’s ego…Me thinks, a post graduate class abroad seems more pleasant (from what I hear)…I hear, they engage and debate with their lecturers and professors as equals…they speak freely and usually when on scholarship, have the luxury of being full time students…awwwh, how wonderful :-). Now, as I have experienced it, some lecturers use dated practical information from the web and seeing as most of them are full time lecturers they are quite out of touch with the actual current practice…So what you get is the usual packaged theories and notes and text book case studies….yawn!…With this kind of learning experience, Yella finds it very difficult to concentrate in class after work…for me, you have me for like the first hour where after my mind wonders out of the window and travels home, enters my fridge to grab a snack…*shameface….I know, I know….what happened to discipline and eagerness to learn…well, I happen not to quite possess it…In fact Kenyan professors are quite strange …well, not all…but most I have encountered have quite the chip on their shoulders…and an ego the size of a golf course…hehehe…If anyone has encountered better, God bless you my child…lol…So, just as I have struggled with my poor concentration and gotten to my last semester, the lethargy has become worse. Then guess what, seeing as I am still doing course work and my thesis, in a bid to make graduation in 2015…As i dragged my feet to register, I was informed that two of the courses I still have left do not travel together…I was absolutely dumbfounded….what??????!!!!….so, the good admin person tells me one is a prerequisite of the other…and asks me why I failed to read the university catalogue…and in my head….my very abstract mind went like…’what catalogue?”….goodness!!…turns out there is a bulky catalogue which I failed to pay attention to that has such details…So, last week, my life has been moving from office to office begging for pardon for my offense…in a bid to make it to graduation this year…but all I get is a re-stating of policy and reference to the catalogue. the bloody catalogue. I guess it is a hard lesson this one. Very hard indeed. I have never worked so hard only to get to the finish line and slip. So, they now tell me, dont worry, you can take one this semester and another next semester and graduate in 2016. ….*insert sound of my heart breaking*…I guess this is how I pay for my sins of floating around class constantly exhausted…I am still on the begging spree…But I intend to give up if nothing gives this week…if this is the way it must be, I’m sure God has a reason…Though I am much much broken by it…but like they say, its not a life & death scenario…but 2016??!!!….*lets out huge sigh…so many things could happen by then….King Mswati could take me as a wife…I could get a call from statehouse for the job of my life as a diplomat somewhere lush..I could meet a husband who forbids me to attend school…hehehe…all sorts of crazy things could happen….I was ready to graduate now…in 2015….but I shall trudge on…may God give me energy.

In other news, here we are in the wonderful month of February,…I am still as single as I was since I last got broken up with in 2013. ahhhh, February 2013 was quite something…I resigned from my job, and got walked out on by a man I absolutely loved…but I tell you life is quite something…you think you will fall apart into shreds…and then a day comes when the past pain doesnt even resonate an ounce of pain in your heart…soooooooo weird…I remember those six months after the break up…it was soooo hard…I had nothing to do all day but post job applications, pray and cry…and I cried. And, for the record, I am not a crier. I cried so much on some days I had no tears so I would just wretch and make weird sounds. I felt physical pain in my heart and wondered if a heart actually shatters for real…lol..I detested the thought of love again. Any mention of the man and my voice would break and my eyes would water…woi. what a mess!…who knew I was capable.lol…and this is exactly why I dont regret that phase in life. Before that relationship, I considered myself quite cold. At least, I discovered I was full of mush inside after all…hehehe…right now I giggle…back then, not so much. Long and short of it…today, no pain registers. so weird. nostalgia sometimes, yes, I will admit. pain, nuuuh. bitter?…nuuuh…So here I am, in February 2016, not in pain. not bitter. somewhat optimistic on love and a tad bit lonely. I tell you, God makes all things better in His time. But loneliness is not such a good feeling. Especially when people look so perfectly happy holding hands and their adorable babies in tow. It leaves you wondering, whatever happened to you?…life doesnt quite go as planned. So, I turn 32 this year. Yes, I done gone said it. I am not ashamed. I am grateful for the far I have come. But sometimes I am afraid, I will turn into those aunties with careers who dot on other peoples children…who depend on the job for the vacuum of family…and I shudder. But then I remember, worrying will do me no good, seeing as I cant tell the future. Besides, I have come to learn that life spins drastically. One moment you are crying. The next you are so full of joy you feel guilty about it. So I am hopeful. I have decided to just work with what works…work the job, take care of the body, love the family you have and enjoy some of the cheddar you make as you strut in those heels which test your balance…hehehe…Something will give. God is a friend of mine. But what makes all this much harder is temptation. hwuat!!!….I am grateful, I have admirers. But some of them are sleaze balls…lol…and depending on how loud the echoes are…sometimes they look kinda cute..even when you know its gonna just mess with your system…So I’m currently fighting temptation…there is this one temptation…has a girlfriend but follows me around like a puppy…lets call him oreo….hehehe…because he looks tasty…and hes chocolatey…just the way I like…very fresh with his words…and such a good kisser…yes, I have sunk.lol…that was before I knew he had a girlfriend…he wont stop following me around…and on the days when my echoes are loud, I hang out, dance, laugh…but I ended the kissing games…because they were making my dragon wake up…it has been sound asleep for quite a while now…cant believe Im saying these things here…but now, ah!walefa men…..soooo, oreo is always available…I believe he is following me around hoping…hehehe…bt seeing as I dont buy the whole…my relationship is dry, we have problems kinda thing…and I have a moral compass that will not let me eat my oreo in peace…its frustrating sometimes. So I enjoy the attention. and this oreo is yummy. so I dont know…my friends say I am quite an idiot…and on a high horse…and a prude…etc etc…all manner of insults…hehehe….for not eating the oreo…but I told myself…self, you know you wont live it down…especially when you always stretch thou hands to be prayed for to get not only an oreo…but the good kind…that doesnt just leave you getting fillings at the dentist. hehehe…so much symbolism. Im sure your head hurts. well. temptations. I just dont want to tell oreo to stop following me around hoping…I kinda like it. he smells good. talks a good game. and is a phone call away. is this what they call hypocrisy?…double standards?….mimi sijui…I am asking Jesus for help to deal. Everyday. This echoes. They dont help. That aside, life hasnt been too bad. No serious suitors yet. But not too shabby. I crave something warm and meaningful but in the meantime, I intend to laugh, dance and enjoy life as it has been given to me. On the down days, I sulk for a while, ask Jesus questions, then push myself out of it and back to the trail…On the days, I’m very bored, I listen to oreo…and the rest of the bunch who have no noble interests..lol…and enjoy the attention and pretend they are not worth my time…because I have other people who have noble interests…where??..lol…then, I will go home and sulk knowing that I am a fraud and just as miserable and alone as the next person…but forgive myself by justifying that I did this in the name of dodging eating the oreo…so I let him follow me around, sometimes use him like he’s using me…to fill a void…but I have purposed not to cross the bridge. Just cause i believe in kharma…hehehe..so February 2015, has found me happier…but still single and not strong enough not to feel echoes as I watch other people hold hands and love each other…but I chose not to dwell on sadness and echoes…kukaa ndani na series…lol…pretend valentines is a normal day…one day, I shall find my person to make me hold my breath in anticipation…hehehe 🙂

Other than the above, life is alright…I am healthy…alive…I have people who love me…and though things are not exhilarating at work…they are coming along…which reminds me of another story i wanted to tell here…

First, I need to say that I am not telling this story from a judgmental point of view….if you sense judgment from my tone of voice, its prolly right…lol…I am judging…but I acknowledge that I mustn’t …and if I do, I apologize in advance. So, the story is about loneliness. and suicide. The lesson I took from it, is to always be grateful for love…and that to have love and to give love is to be rich. and this is all that matters. not just love between girl and boy…but any kinda love. give and get :-)…so this is the story of a boy who we shall call dent. (quit looking at me like that)….i chose to call him that…cos that’s the name that came to me. so dent is a boy in his late twenties. he comes from a well to do family. which loves to keep appearances. according dent’s mum and dad, they never fight, they never get broke. They live in a beautiful house. They dont disclose how far sunk they are in debt. They spend lavishly on dent and his siblings. Dent and his siblings are not social people. They stay indoors mostly. Have all the gadgets their hearts desire, pocket money and access to cars etc. They have few friends. The siblings get along. But they have parallel lives. None quite knows what goes on in the others lives. They live in the same house. I dont know dent very well. But I know he was lonely. Or rather, this is the judgment I have come to pass. It all started with a frantic phonecall informing us of Dent’s passing. Dent is no longer with us they say. He inhaled fumes when he was warming up his room with a jiko and fell asleep. Jiko???….who uses jikos in those surburbs??…Dent and his siblings do not strike me as folks who know about jikos. But we listen to the story as it’s told and believe it. As we have no reason not to…and so what if we dont. Later on, we get to learn that Dent ingested some drugs and took his own life. That his body was discovered in his bedroom. Three days after he had passed on. The smell in the room was sickening as was the disposition of the body. His juices leaked, his eyeballs popped. The worst kind of a scene. The house had occupants during all three days. His siblings, mum and dad were home on all three days. How come no one knew of Dent?…and what had become of him?…Parallel lives.  So who discovered Dent?…Turns out on the day Dent committed suicide, their live in housemaid went on leave. The housemaid was fond of Dent. Didnt quite understand him as he didnt speak much. But they had a system. She knew what time he would come down to the kitchen to feed self. She knew his routine. She knew he liked his eggs. So as she went on leave, she left the fridge stocked up with a good supply of eggs. Upon her return, the eggs were untouched. She wondered what had become of the routine. She worried. Like any worried person, went to his room. On finding it closed, she knocked. No answer. She wondered what the foul smell was…and quickly ran to get Dent’s dad. He also made his attempt to knock and call out…and knock again…then banging ensued. To no avail. The story goes that Dent did not have a talking relationship with his dad. Because his dad once slapped him when he was in high school. They used Dent’s mum as a go between. For money, and access to the family car. The noise got the attention of Dent’s siblings. Soon, they requested the gardener to break down the door. Only to find a sight that would horrify them for days to come. There lay Dent. It seems his suicide was premeditated as he had blocked all air pockets in his room with old newspapers. So Dent left us. A lonely boy he was. He was surrounded by people. But was alone. Three days people. Three friggin days. No one wondered where he was. Only one person wondered. The housemaid. Over the non-absence of eggs. Three days. A house with a mum, dad and siblings. A beautiful house. Dent had all the gadgets he ever wanted. And money. And a car. Their house had a lawn. The green kind. They had cushy seats…the kind I dream of owning. In my tiny pad. Dent had a celly. It was full of numbers. Three Days.

Three Days.

Three Days???

My heart sympathizes. I wish I took more interest to know Dent. Who he was. But he was out of reach. He was a kid who lived in suburbia all his life. I thought he was ‘those fortunate people’. He had a bright career path. Heck, he was a pilot. Shit! I wish I was a pilot. Those folks wear fancy uniforms with important stripes. The way they roll those suitcases past the rest of common folkses. Wow!…

This story makes me sad. Very Sad for dent. He had no chance. I guess it was his time. It had come. But in three days, there was no need for an ambulance.

That is a true vacuum. surrounded. But, alone. Rich but very poor.

Let us give love and be grateful that we have love. Even the watchman who wonders where you have been when you dont show up at work shows that you have love. Be grateful for love. Others only have a charade. They seem to have it, but dont. If you have no love, go out and give it…it is reciprocal. Don’t sit in sulking. People need your love. Even the newspaper vendor would love to hear you wish him a good morning. People love to be loved. If you are lonely. Love those around you. Don’t wait for someone to love you or for that person who qualifies to be loved by you. Anyone qualifies. Give love. Get love. If your lonely and the voices in your head convince you to leave this earth. This beautiful earth. Don’t listen. I know it’s tough and echoes can get loud. But please, don’t listen. Keep pushing on. It gets better.

May Dent rest in peace. A boy I hardly knew. My heart goes out to him.

internal conflicts galore…

hellew hellew….Happy New Year ghost town!!!!…hehehe…Its been a while since I came here to say anything…I will blame it on laziness, lack of time, bla bla bla….However, important thing is I did come back and I am writing something yes?….yes. like when we were at the office during xmas period, it was such a ghost town and generally there is lack of morale to show up…so guys will clock in at kedo 9am…and my colleague when asked why come you’re so late answered…’the important thing is that I came and you can see me cant you?..’…lol. so yeah, point home.

now me, I am conflicted (total kenyan speak..lol)…first, I must say I have just begun the post and I already want to stop and flee…it seems like such a daunting task to type out all whats in my head …and now I have ran away..

I apologize for being such a non starter…lol…*ducks whatever is thrown…I shall be back to speak of my conflict..nedanoga nie (Literally translated…I have become tired)…

so long friends…I did wish you a Happy New Year didnt I?…I’m not all bad after all 🙂

hapa na pale…

goodmorning….not so much…Im in one of my moods…but I have sworn to myself I will not drag you under my grey cloud…I think Im almost getting to those days in the month which girls dread…tmi, I know…hahaha…That is when mood swings and grey clouds appear…it really is strange…why do hormones gotta be angry and sad all the time…is there any such thing as happy hormones??…anyhue, hormones are normally either angry, sad or horny…and now when your single, all you hear are crickets…and voices telling you…YOU SUCK!…lol..anyhue, let me deflect by telling stories…real life stories…

Turns out that nairobians are really fabulous people…such super flashy cars on the roads nowadays and when you peep…all of them are youngins…wow!…no wonder traffic is a bitch nowadays…nowadays I get to work in an hour while I live like 15mins away from the office…and jana I noticed Kidero’s traffic lights were’nt working….what could’ve been the matter…btw, I am all about supporting the adherence to traffic lights…however, those people over there in the big traffic light comptroller office need to be more vigilant to regulate them lights…especially usiku…This here Nairobi city is not at all a very safe city…so staying put on the road waiting for the lights to turn green at night when there is no traffic at all is like a sitting duck saying…”jack me!!…mug me!!….rob me!!!”…theres a time I was waiting for the lights to turn green…trying to be a good citizen…and the road was empty…it was a little eery….and seemed very unsafe…

So this week I was experimental…I tried to cook some fabulous dish…I skived class…cos I was feeling all exhausted and not at all in the mood…and headed home…when i sat myself on the couch..I said to myself…self,its been a while since you made yourselof something nice to eat…so I got on up and made my way to the kitcho…whereupon my eyes fell upon the many bottles of yucky dry wine some of my guests have brought me when visiting…I absolutely abhor dry wine…on some days it can go down…bt on most, it tastes horrible to me and equally smells even more horrible…so my mind said…self, si those fancy white folks are always making sumptuous dishes with red wine…get your google on hunnay!!…hahaha…so I quickly did some google searches and decided on sphagetti cooked in red wine…sounds good huh??…and fancy right??…and italian…hehehe…so yella embarked on the mission…armed with all the other tools and ingredients….let me tell you…that meal was delicious!!!…NOT!!!!!!!!!!…..wuuuu wiiii….it tasted horrible…horrible…it smelled like how my puke smells after a day of drinking lots and lots of red wine after a meal of dry fry…Im sorry to appall you with the gory torrid details….puu puu puu puu!!!!….but i was optimistic still…I was like, si people like cheese…and cheese smells horrible…si people savor matumbo…and they smell like cow shit most times…si people relish pork, while to me it really does smell like a pig…well, let me be objective and taste thine culinary ‘delight’ with an open mind….so I served it in a very cute bowl…ready to engorge my fork therein and take a scrumptious bite… wooooiiiiii!!!!….. :-/….:-(….yuck!!!!!….gatho, they should serve that shit to terrorists…lol…I swear I almost died laughing at myself….it was a revolting bad taste…I tried again…cos you know Im one of those people who don’t even like the taste of cheese…hehehe…my good friend Dee has never understood that…cos she loves cheese…I on the other hand, only eat cheese to look cool….hahaha…yes, I am a fraud…msiniangalie ivo mimi,….lol…thing is, I do like pizza which is often laden with cheese…bt I cant even eat a whole pizza…cos soon my tongue will begin to decipher the horrible sour taste of cheese in an isolated way….I suppose my palate is a litu uncultured…either way…I threw the horrible platter in the bin…cos I cant offer another person what I do not even have the confidence to shove down my own throat….lol….what a terrible waste of bad tasting wine…I could have given that bottle away…hehehe….and been loved for it :-)…oh well, least now I know what I can serve folks I dont particularly like…lol..

In other news, the askaris at our flats are such cons…ati he signals me to stop and tells me ati he needs to give me a letter….ati I need to begin to pay 500/- per month for security…now, let me explain…the main gate houses several if not almost fifty other flats that have their own security…now if every individual who rents a house up in there pays 5soc…seeing as we are in the thousands…how rich are the buggers??…aih??!!…I told him to make my landlord reduce the charge he loads up to my rent as security….aki kenyans…alafu they “the watchies’ own a butchery…how could they not…if they are minting that kinda money I wouldnt be surprised if they own one of the flat buildings….

Sasa, at school…Im back to peer pressure…just like a teenager…I feel bullied by the sway of the group…lol…its so idiotic…group mentality…you really dont want to isolate yourself…cos your head might always be in the cloud while everyone else is somewhere else…so its kinda good to touch base with other peeps in the class…so there I am…big woman rolling in a pack…and sometimes getting caught up in such immature shit…good grief…lol…but I dont want to leave the pack yet…hahaha…cos it serves me sometimes…plus well, we cant all be mature and wise…sometimes we fall…and Im not proud…especially in moments where some very stupid things happen…like one of the prettier chiles in the pack makes fun of some heffa who likes kissing the lecturers behind…well, I felt very idiotic…cos its so stupid…and looking at the chiles face…she looked hurt…and I felt bad…cos those are moments I am not proud of…regardless of whether I am not the one who made the jokes…I guess I didnt stop it…cos I thought she asked for it…lol…if there is any such thing as inviting bullying upon yourself…anyhue, its a load of immature bullshit and I know it…it has since stopped…however, you do see how selle rolling in a pack can be…especially being that we are women ranging from ages 27-37….well, the world ain’t perfect and I ain’t no superwoman…*shrugs

life’s alright after all :-)

hellew hellew…hows’ it going?….I hope you are all well and the new year has started out great for you…well, as for me I always refer to life as a rollercoaster,…somedays good ..somedays bad…but all in all, Im grateful…mad grateful…Sometimes I sit in my own space and see other people…really look and see other people and acknowledge how it could always be worse…and I just thank God…that not for anything special, I am alive…I wake up everymorning, put my feet on the floor of my bedroom and jump up to go about my bisnis….It’s a priviledge that I chomp my food…most of the times feeling entitled…like I deserve it…but when i watch them hungry folks on tv…I know no one deserves shit…it’s all by the grace of God…and more and more i have become convinced that we are not put in this world…to just enjoy his grace…but to also be a helping hand to those who cant…because that’s also God’s grace when he uses you to do stuff for others…cos thats why he put you in the position of being able to afford all those nice regular things…that arent quite so regular to other folks….so I have just become grateful…and challenged every where I look to do something…no matter how small..anyhue, I am still the girl who has her own issues, is not quite at a financially free place…but I can definately say, as long as I am here…I should do something…other than feed myself,…drive myself…school myself…something…life should be about more than you and yours…

with that wonderful speech, let me now tell you…this january has been rough!…lol….it is kicking my behind sore…but I have decided to take everything easy…as long as I survive daily…the rest are details…plus I am holding strong that if God provides for birds of the air…why should i worry as his child…so i just keep letting him know of all the situations that are pinching me…and let him deal…cos i read somewhere that God is never slow to act on his promises…:-)…enyewe leo ni sermonette…I dont even know from where…hehehe

So turns out I’m trying really hard to get some physical exercise in..so nowadays, I attend class after work…yes, I enrolled for my masters….enrolling was one thing…carrying through is another…cos boy is it one expensive slow moving trailer going uphill…oiyoyoi!….but i think i shall live…i have watched too many of my pals graduate and gone like…”hey,that was fast!”….so Im sure it will be over. Sure enough, Im halfway through already…but going through classes…yuck!…hahaha…and then when i get home I try to skip rope…cos my hips and tush are expanding too much….those dirty looks from dudes…glassy dirty looks…I dont want…lol…so I want to if not shave off anything, at least keep it firm…so that I dont see my ass waving at me when I throw a side eye to the Bank Hall reflection glass when Im walking in the streets….lol…sometimes, Im so shocked…I go like…omg, this thing is beggining to have a life of its own behind there…mimi sitaki ivo…seeing as I have not even experienced child birth yet…better to rein it in now then later….However, Im pretty good about my image and all…I just want not to jiggle wiggle :-)….

Sooooo, my heartbreak has been healing…I have really relied on God because I looooooooooooved that man…hahaha…he really got me….and he really used to swoon over me…so I invested my feelings…and then when he upped and left, I thought it was a joke…that he’d be back…but nope…he kept mum, held his ground…and my heart was crushed…like I said previously…we had a silly row…I was having car trouble…wasnt happy about his non challance as I struggled to find help from other boys…I told him about it nicely…he was good about it…bt the next time i got stuck…he didnt bother…and again I was getting help from other boys…nevermind when his own friends were in a muddle he’s dash to the scene…So I called him out on it…a little bit too aggressively…because I am the stubborn type that believe in not letting shit slide and accumulate in my heart…I accused him of being mean to me…and not valuing me….and I quoted other instances…and pouted…and the man was visibly annoyed…his veins hapo in his temple were showing…his eyes were red….lol…we was in a java shop…and he was nasty right back…so in the end…he told me i like wasting his time with my problems…that I ask him for solutions when I already know what and how I want to do it…and he said its either i let him handle my problems wholly as the man and not ask one question or I go do my thing…now, my problem is, he is on a higher pay range…by handling my problems, he meant taking my car to his expensive mechanic and asking me to pay for it…lol…anyway, to be honest, I wasnt really looking for him to pay just to help…but telling me not to ask about shit…when Im paying …well,…so he told me to then do my own thing and he would do his….and I proclaimed that that was no sort of relationship…and I didnt see how it was…and he said fine…and I said fine…and we walked away….and we never called each other. So when I tell you we broke up over some imature shit, you better believe it…I dont blame him alone…I also didnt handle it too well…and some of my pals told me I should have just repaired my own damn car…but it wasnt about that…to me, I expect a man who wants to be respected as a man…to play the role…you cant expect me to play feminine…cook, handle house etc and yet I also have to also go hang around sweat shops with other boys who are nyemelearing me to help me…then if you get to know about it you get mad…Im no good at handling mechanics…and for what you cant do…you ask for help…and if you ask for help and its not forthcoming…you look for plan B…so thats how i used to operate…but to walk away from a relationship…cos of such a stupid argument just showed we were both imature and couldnt handle ourselves around each other…I still have feelings for him…but such pride is just plain imaturity…and people fight about worse shit and still live to love another day…so i have decided I will not love Chevy inspite of myself…I will let him go…so at the time when we broke up…I had resigned my job…and was out of a job…so i was sitting in my house anxiously waiting for a call from Chevy to patch things up…and boy did i wait…I emailed him…he replied…said i argued too much with him…and since we both were stubborn he didnt see us lasting…he also mentioned he had announced to his village that he had plans to marry me…bt now he couldnt…lol…to me that was stupid and cruel…as in shoving it in my face…like a carrot…ati…’heeeey, you missed it!’…lol…hapo i just saw it as plain cruel…but as i applied for jobs..sitting in my house…at night i would go up to my roof and cry for the man…one month, two, three….up to a whole year…silence…so now, my heart is healing…God was so ozam…I got a job three months after…good job…so you can see how I have come to learn about gratitude…I also learnt alot about how to better handle myself…cos I was also imature…though i think girls are normally clouded by emotion when youre in love with someone…it makes you over react about all and everything…anyhue, i think I will meet a man who is more tolerant…or who can put up with my horse shit…hahaha…but I am working on my vices….but this year, just last week, Chevy calls me…talks random stuff for like five minutes and says he wants to meet for coffee…doesnt say when…but Im reluctant…well,interesting stuff this life is…isnt it?…anyhue,since then…he has never called again…so I think it was like his new years resolution…’call girl to look like i did the right thing’…lol….anyhue, whatever it is…however strong my feelings for him may be…i have vowed not to love him inspite of myself…I am all for forgiveness…and second chances…but it would have to be an unqualified apology…However, I have decided not to torment myself anymore…and keep it moving….and God has been super..cos nowadays I obsess about it less and less…and I have decided not to meet him…because he did not even behave as a friend would…he never once called to ask how i was during my jobless phase..he just walked away…so he’s clearly not my friend…

in other news, a youngin from the office is flirting with me…and I am flattered.lol….I dont like him in that way…Im just flattered…cos he’s cute and very cool…with a deep voice and confident…hahaha…well,must mean i still got it….so I will flirt and be happy…and pray that God will bring me my person…someone who gets me…and wont walk out on me…no matter what…hehehe…fights are meant to be had and gotten over…women say and do stupid things when emotional and hormonal….we take full responsibility…hehehe…but if a man cant deal…no matter how great your love is for him…dont love him inspite of yourself…cos you will always feel broken…no ones perfect…neither was Chevy…I get that…what i dont get…was walking away…and the silence…at the very least a call to ask how Im doing through my rough patch wouldve been adequate….but the more i think of it..the more I am grateful that call never came through…cos I would have interpreted it 1000 different ways wrong…and it would have prolonged my misery of heart break…lol…well,I guess you live and you learn…this year I am strangely optimistic….I just feel like something good will happen…and I hoep I will keep up with the skipping…hehehe…maybe its helping me with happy endorphins…but what I hold…is gratitude…I am absolutely whole heartedly thankful to God…cos he has been such a good friend of mine :-)…and somehow I know, broke or not…man or not…life’s gonna be quite alright 🙂

…still injured

hallo hallo…..anybody home 🙂

Please accept that smile hapo juu cos that’s all you’re getting from me….I just saw some post online with the picture of some huge ugly gorrilla with a sad face…that just about sums up my mood for now… 😦

so, ladies and gentlemen it’s almost coming to a full year since i broke up with the gentleman i once thought was my chocolate sugar….it turns out he was a person…not a prince or knight in shining armour….he was just a person. A person who could do wrong. A person who could cause me to feel like my heart was in a boiling pot….like i was in a smoking room with no windows…like i was alone in the world, with no crickets, no nothing…just me and the sun…no grass, no clouds….just me sitting on a rock…in absolute pure silence…and it feels like an internal injury. Heartbreak btw has physical pain to it…I dont know if that’s something that can be proved biologically but i can swear by it. And I dont know if its a mind trick, but when you listen to the pain source it feels as though its right in the heart…not even where it biologically supposed to be located but right there in your chest…throbbing…a dull throbbing pain…to which if you listen too much, it climbs further north to the little bulb in your throat which tightens when you feel the dull throb…and causes you to swallow hard…to stop completion of the chain reaction which would be a warm sensation in your eyes followed by blurry view which means….water works!!!…how fun 😦

so this is the pain that i feel today…for some reason (could be that i attended my pal’s wedding which was absolutely beautiful and which reminded me of all the things i am missing…)today I feel my heart weighed down…like a tonne of bricks…and i decided to come exercise some therapy here by writing about it…i feel sad…i feel alone,..a little hopeless though not completely hopeless…but man, i must add that i feel a little humiliated and ashamed that i still love a man who walked away and never turned back. It’s quite the railroad for my pride to take..it feels like rejection because he never turned back. I must be honest and say i was almost certain he would turn back because i considered myself quite the happy, funny, chirpy girlfriend…I thought that even if i did drive him out,…he would take a pause and turn back…but almost a year down the line…ni mimi tu nilio na regrets…lol…(and thats’ a bitter laugh btw)..

My friends tell me to just have a fling and wipe the pain away…infact a diva friend of mine likes asking me if i think my nini is soap, that if i use it with another dude, it will kwisha….lol…or if i think it has crystals…okay okay…enough with the mockery of a girl who abides by morals…no need to kick a man down…anyhue, now i am tired of whining…let me walk away from the keyboard…

life is a rollercoaster indeed…

Hellew folks….I don’t even know if there’s anyone who comes here anymore…but since this is my secret diary…I write my heart out anyways…soooo, lots has happened since I last came here to eat my heart out…life has been both kind and cruel …but through it all God has been a good friend of mine…I may not have been able to interpret all his messages or understand them…but I have felt his friendship stay constantly…

first, I should let you know that I finally changed jobs…*ululates*….hehehehe…indeed it was not easy and was a long and sad story…if you’ve read any of my previous posts you will know that that job was one piece of work…it ate into my soul each day and only got worse with time…besides there comes a point when you are beyond recovery…Either way, I was pushed to the corner until I upped and resigned…yes, you heard right…I finally found my man balls and quit..it wasn’t easy …I wasn’t not scared…but I had had enough…I was tired and full of it…so I came to the conclusion that the good Lord who found me that job would find me another…I trusted that he had seen how hard I worked and how sad my soul was at the treatment I was getting over there….and I handed in that resignation letter with no other job in sight…

During this time for drama at work, I also begun to get into it with Chevy…yes, the man I wrote passionately about…this was in the beginning of this year…My love, my chevy got impatient with me…and guess what children of God….we broke up!!!!…after a year and a half of good times and great lovemaking :-)….it all came to a rude shocking end with one stupid argument…I don’t even know how it escalated to that point…but I remember daring him to either up his game or its over…and it ended with..”Fine!!’ and off we both went…separate ways…I was mad about some stupid shit about him not helping me with manly tasks…like finding me a mechanic, fixing my shower head,…lol….so stupid…oh, and at some point we even threw in words about whether he understood English well enough….and he proceeded to tell me what grades he got in high school…lol…omg…are you seeing how fooresh this is???….But apparently, once we walked away from that small table in java…what I thought had been some stupid shit which cascaded into a period of stubborn silence….developed into an end :-(..in the meantime, I had served my Notice at work and was now sitting in the house…frustrated that no one was responding to my job applications…and dying of heartbreak wondering when Chevy would just pick up the phone and make amends…I remember a friend of mine sent me a job application for slightly less chums than I was making at the previous sweat shop and I had applied…and that was the only option that I had gotten a response from….Man, the way I would wait for my celly to ring to confirm if I had passed the interview…I cant even begin to describe the anxiety but can only say in short that I turned into an insomniac and my face broke out….yeap…it was bad!…I just stopped short of breathing into a bag like them white folks do…lol….In the first months of sitting in the digz, I quite enjoyed myself seeing as I had been exhausted and burnt out…but in month three, anxiety was extreme…but luckily…the interviews on that one job were steady…In this three months, Chevy did not say a word to me…so my heart was in tatters…for this, I was lucky enough to have company in form of my friend *bates….bates, is my girlfriend for dying…as in we come a long way…she had done her stint abroad doing a double masters and had just come back and was equally desperately job hunting…she happened to live near me…and I must throw mad credits to her for keeping me sane during this time…how’d we keep sane??….we used to walk and walk far distances in the evenings and just talk and talk….I thought this would help me get some sleep at night by exhausting my body physically…but wapi??….insomnia stayed put!

Everyday, I would go to my rooftop and look towards the side where Chevy lived and I would ask God why…why he’d send me someone to love and then make him walk away when I needed him most…I would do those prayers for asking God to send him or show me a sign…but there was silence…as time went by, it became a little obvious that Chevy did walk away…and the signs of the questions I was asking God were in form of actions…if you are praying for a relationship to work…and yet you are sitting in your house jobless while a nucca knows and doesn’t care to say shit….or ask how you are holding up…do you need a sign to fly from heaven and hit you in the backside saying..”He’s just not that into you??”….lol….but I was relentless…everyday, wake up….watch Nigerian movies (the ones that feature at around 11am), watch some series and then apply for jobs (on my pal Dees borrowed laptop)…and then prepare to go out and walk with Bates…return home, showie…go to rooftop…demand that God sends back Chevy now!!…lol..(God, I did love that one)..then plug on my earphones to the sadest song (away from the sun by three doors down) and cry me a river….yeap, that was my life…after telling God to promise to send back Chevy…and to make HR call me for a job…I would then return to my house, with my swollen eyelids and hope that the doorbell would ring …and my love would return….long and short of it…is that Chevy walked away…when I needed him most…over a stupid argument…he broke my heart…actually skinned it….and the pain still lives in me sadly…almost 7months since….around four months into it (our break up) my other good friend Otie convinced me to stop being such an idiot and just confront my fears and reach out to Chevy, if only just for closure….and express myself….so since I’m a bloody coward…I emailed…longest email of my life…told him I loved him…but was tired of crying about us…well, he wrote back, saying he was suffering too…but that I argued with him too much…and he was looking for someone who would not argue with him…or have very little arguments….and he said I made him sad…by arguing with him…and made him feel less wanted…and the way he saw it our marriage would last a month…he also said he had announced to his village that he would propose to me…but he now had a change of heart…lol…now I can laugh,…its a little funny…so there it was….the carrot being dangled….when I got his reply…it was clear in my mind that it was over..and Chevy was being a little cruel about it… I cannot blame him alone, I may have questioned him too often and yes, I like to argue sometimes, its my achiles heel…I just like to pick peoples brains on stuff..then challenge them to prove it..infact, I like to confuse people in arguments…but I never do it with cruel intent or to engage the person emotionally….all I can say is when I think of how we handled each other…immaturity comes to mind…I normally like hiding behind the fact that he was older…and laying it on him…but I think we both were immature…I may speak of it nonchalantly now, but I was devastated by his email…because I did not see that coming…I always to this date, thought we had a real connection and he convinced me he was in it for the long haul…we had good times and for petes sake…he used to sing in the shower…if that’s not a sign that a man is happy…I don’t know what is..lol..anyhue, it appears…I was not as valued as I thought.. so, there went my job…along with it my man… :-(…Ever wondered how karma can deal you a serving of bad ish on the same run?…lol…I can attest to that….but all through this tough time…I still felt God’s friendship…just some person listening kindly as I was tormented by my emotions….and finally a call came through from HR,..’yella, you got the job’….hehehe…and indeed I was elated…sad emotionally but so grateful….

I reported to the new job…very happy…cos it was kind of a dream job…and btw,karma is so funny…remember the job interview I mopped about which was yanked from under my nose??….the nice building it was at??…well, this job is at the very same building…different employer though….but boy oh boy, five months into it…I feel mad pressure…the pressure of being expected to know stuff I don’t know shit about…funny thing is I keep being handed lead positions and I know shit about the industry…to say my anxiety has returned is an understatement…lol…geez!…but I think I am putting some of that pressure on myself…I should learn to just relax and fall if I must…cos I am trying my best to deliver and catching flack when I don’t…and yet…no one ever taught me about this industry…uwi!!!!…lol…but so far I still feel God around me…I have not fallen as yet…but I am dangerously in the deep end…and I feel like just admitting it to my superior…cos seriously, I am getting very stressed…damned if I do and damned if I don’t….the other thing, is I still miss Chevy…yes, 7 months later…I still cry about it sometimes…I don’t know how to put that switch off…but I now find myself in a place where my heart feels pitch black and the workplace is an anxiety spot…I can only hope God sends me some sunshine soon…Sometimes, I just wish i’d meet Chevy with pregnant beauty…so that I feel more pain which would help my heart catch up with the fact that that story ended and the chapter is now closed. I must admit I still wish things were different…but I remind myself that if a man walks away at such a time, it just shows he wasn’t committed to it…or possibly like my severe friend Kari would say…’yella, maybe he saw something real ugly in you that day you argued and just decided that was it!!!’….I hate how brutal those words are…but I’m more inclined to agree…I really hope one day I can remember Chevy and laugh…but for now, I’m still dented…..I really hope he’s in as much pain…lol..sounds cruel..actually I hope when he seeps his beer it tastes like pee and his ugali tastes like cement…lol…(bitter much??)…but if he walked away from that one clear of scars,…then, I’m truly a horrible judge of character…anyhue, life lived…lesson learnt….and heart munched and spat out in the process…I hope healing comes faster than I think…cos this emotional gloom just feels horrible…and the memories haunt me more than I care to admit…and the fact that I still miss him and would listen to him if he came back…annoys me…what a sucker at love!!…I guess when you’ve been dodging love and it gets you…it gets you good!

so, rollercoaster called life???…I’II say so myself…but life is still here…and it has to be lived…so I can only keep my head up and smile…like tupac said…I suppose it will get better…but 7months???….feels like just yesterday….damn!it really needs to get better faster…cos it is dimming all the lights in my path…I want to smile again and laugh from my heart…rather than on my face…I have tried telling myself positive things but maybe that shit only works for certain people…so I have resorted to living in my gloom until…time allows my heart to heal.