life is a rollercoaster indeed…

Hellew folks….I don’t even know if there’s anyone who comes here anymore…but since this is my secret diary…I write my heart out anyways…soooo, lots has happened since I last came here to eat my heart out…life has been both kind and cruel …but through it all God has been a good friend of mine…I may not have been able to interpret all his messages or understand them…but I have felt his friendship stay constantly…

first, I should let you know that I finally changed jobs…*ululates*….hehehehe…indeed it was not easy and was a long and sad story…if you’ve read any of my previous posts you will know that that job was one piece of work…it ate into my soul each day and only got worse with time…besides there comes a point when you are beyond recovery…Either way, I was pushed to the corner until I upped and resigned…yes, you heard right…I finally found my man balls and quit..it wasn’t easy …I wasn’t not scared…but I had had enough…I was tired and full of it…so I came to the conclusion that the good Lord who found me that job would find me another…I trusted that he had seen how hard I worked and how sad my soul was at the treatment I was getting over there….and I handed in that resignation letter with no other job in sight…

During this time for drama at work, I also begun to get into it with Chevy…yes, the man I wrote passionately about…this was in the beginning of this year…My love, my chevy got impatient with me…and guess what children of God….we broke up!!!!…after a year and a half of good times and great lovemaking :-)….it all came to a rude shocking end with one stupid argument…I don’t even know how it escalated to that point…but I remember daring him to either up his game or its over…and it ended with..”Fine!!’ and off we both went…separate ways…I was mad about some stupid shit about him not helping me with manly tasks…like finding me a mechanic, fixing my shower head,…lol….so stupid…oh, and at some point we even threw in words about whether he understood English well enough….and he proceeded to tell me what grades he got in high school…lol…omg…are you seeing how fooresh this is???….But apparently, once we walked away from that small table in java…what I thought had been some stupid shit which cascaded into a period of stubborn silence….developed into an end :-(..in the meantime, I had served my Notice at work and was now sitting in the house…frustrated that no one was responding to my job applications…and dying of heartbreak wondering when Chevy would just pick up the phone and make amends…I remember a friend of mine sent me a job application for slightly less chums than I was making at the previous sweat shop and I had applied…and that was the only option that I had gotten a response from….Man, the way I would wait for my celly to ring to confirm if I had passed the interview…I cant even begin to describe the anxiety but can only say in short that I turned into an insomniac and my face broke out….yeap…it was bad!…I just stopped short of breathing into a bag like them white folks do…lol….In the first months of sitting in the digz, I quite enjoyed myself seeing as I had been exhausted and burnt out…but in month three, anxiety was extreme…but luckily…the interviews on that one job were steady…In this three months, Chevy did not say a word to me…so my heart was in tatters…for this, I was lucky enough to have company in form of my friend *bates….bates, is my girlfriend for dying…as in we come a long way…she had done her stint abroad doing a double masters and had just come back and was equally desperately job hunting…she happened to live near me…and I must throw mad credits to her for keeping me sane during this time…how’d we keep sane??….we used to walk and walk far distances in the evenings and just talk and talk….I thought this would help me get some sleep at night by exhausting my body physically…but wapi??….insomnia stayed put!

Everyday, I would go to my rooftop and look towards the side where Chevy lived and I would ask God why…why he’d send me someone to love and then make him walk away when I needed him most…I would do those prayers for asking God to send him or show me a sign…but there was silence…as time went by, it became a little obvious that Chevy did walk away…and the signs of the questions I was asking God were in form of actions…if you are praying for a relationship to work…and yet you are sitting in your house jobless while a nucca knows and doesn’t care to say shit….or ask how you are holding up…do you need a sign to fly from heaven and hit you in the backside saying..”He’s just not that into you??”….lol….but I was relentless…everyday, wake up….watch Nigerian movies (the ones that feature at around 11am), watch some series and then apply for jobs (on my pal Dees borrowed laptop)…and then prepare to go out and walk with Bates…return home, showie…go to rooftop…demand that God sends back Chevy now!!…lol..(God, I did love that one)..then plug on my earphones to the sadest song (away from the sun by three doors down) and cry me a river….yeap, that was my life…after telling God to promise to send back Chevy…and to make HR call me for a job…I would then return to my house, with my swollen eyelids and hope that the doorbell would ring …and my love would return….long and short of it…is that Chevy walked away…when I needed him most…over a stupid argument…he broke my heart…actually skinned it….and the pain still lives in me sadly…almost 7months since….around four months into it (our break up) my other good friend Otie convinced me to stop being such an idiot and just confront my fears and reach out to Chevy, if only just for closure….and express myself….so since I’m a bloody coward…I emailed…longest email of my life…told him I loved him…but was tired of crying about us…well, he wrote back, saying he was suffering too…but that I argued with him too much…and he was looking for someone who would not argue with him…or have very little arguments….and he said I made him sad…by arguing with him…and made him feel less wanted…and the way he saw it our marriage would last a month…he also said he had announced to his village that he would propose to me…but he now had a change of heart…lol…now I can laugh,…its a little funny…so there it was….the carrot being dangled….when I got his reply…it was clear in my mind that it was over..and Chevy was being a little cruel about it… I cannot blame him alone, I may have questioned him too often and yes, I like to argue sometimes, its my achiles heel…I just like to pick peoples brains on stuff..then challenge them to prove it..infact, I like to confuse people in arguments…but I never do it with cruel intent or to engage the person emotionally….all I can say is when I think of how we handled each other…immaturity comes to mind…I normally like hiding behind the fact that he was older…and laying it on him…but I think we both were immature…I may speak of it nonchalantly now, but I was devastated by his email…because I did not see that coming…I always to this date, thought we had a real connection and he convinced me he was in it for the long haul…we had good times and for petes sake…he used to sing in the shower…if that’s not a sign that a man is happy…I don’t know what is..lol..anyhue, it appears…I was not as valued as I thought.. so, there went my job…along with it my man… :-(…Ever wondered how karma can deal you a serving of bad ish on the same run?…lol…I can attest to that….but all through this tough time…I still felt God’s friendship…just some person listening kindly as I was tormented by my emotions….and finally a call came through from HR,..’yella, you got the job’….hehehe…and indeed I was elated…sad emotionally but so grateful….

I reported to the new job…very happy…cos it was kind of a dream job…and btw,karma is so funny…remember the job interview I mopped about which was yanked from under my nose??….the nice building it was at??…well, this job is at the very same building…different employer though….but boy oh boy, five months into it…I feel mad pressure…the pressure of being expected to know stuff I don’t know shit about…funny thing is I keep being handed lead positions and I know shit about the industry…to say my anxiety has returned is an understatement…lol…geez!…but I think I am putting some of that pressure on myself…I should learn to just relax and fall if I must…cos I am trying my best to deliver and catching flack when I don’t…and yet…no one ever taught me about this industry…uwi!!!!…lol…but so far I still feel God around me…I have not fallen as yet…but I am dangerously in the deep end…and I feel like just admitting it to my superior…cos seriously, I am getting very stressed…damned if I do and damned if I don’t….the other thing, is I still miss Chevy…yes, 7 months later…I still cry about it sometimes…I don’t know how to put that switch off…but I now find myself in a place where my heart feels pitch black and the workplace is an anxiety spot…I can only hope God sends me some sunshine soon…Sometimes, I just wish i’d meet Chevy with pregnant beauty…so that I feel more pain which would help my heart catch up with the fact that that story ended and the chapter is now closed. I must admit I still wish things were different…but I remind myself that if a man walks away at such a time, it just shows he wasn’t committed to it…or possibly like my severe friend Kari would say…’yella, maybe he saw something real ugly in you that day you argued and just decided that was it!!!’….I hate how brutal those words are…but I’m more inclined to agree…I really hope one day I can remember Chevy and laugh…but for now, I’m still dented…..I really hope he’s in as much pain…lol..sounds cruel..actually I hope when he seeps his beer it tastes like pee and his ugali tastes like cement…lol…(bitter much??)…but if he walked away from that one clear of scars,…then, I’m truly a horrible judge of character…anyhue, life lived…lesson learnt….and heart munched and spat out in the process…I hope healing comes faster than I think…cos this emotional gloom just feels horrible…and the memories haunt me more than I care to admit…and the fact that I still miss him and would listen to him if he came back…annoys me…what a sucker at love!!…I guess when you’ve been dodging love and it gets you…it gets you good!

so, rollercoaster called life???…I’II say so myself…but life is still here…and it has to be lived…so I can only keep my head up and smile…like tupac said…I suppose it will get better…but 7months???….feels like just yesterday….damn!it really needs to get better faster…cos it is dimming all the lights in my path…I want to smile again and laugh from my heart…rather than on my face…I have tried telling myself positive things but maybe that shit only works for certain people…so I have resorted to living in my gloom until…time allows my heart to heal.