Life is a ………!!!!…but no one wants it to end :-)

Hey people, hows it going??…I know, it’s been too long…too. too. But yes, I have been here. Well, not here here…Just up and about..living this life. I’m telling you so much has frickin’ changed about me!…I don’t even know where to start…

Lets’ start with one of the good ones…I am a mummy!…to a beautiful chubby baby girl who is almost two…yeap, part of what’s been keeping me busy!..She’s just the cutest thing who thinks stepping on my bare feet with her bike and me wincing in pain is the most hilarious thing ever. I swear sometimes kids have you confused as a parent. When you’re so ready to pinch…they giggle and look at you to see if you are sharing the joke…sometimes they end up thinking your cross face is your funny face and you are sitting there thinking…no!no!no!…only to be met with more giggles…some other things she does is spit on me…put her finger in her mouth and swipe it across my face and when I say Yuck!!!…she falls into pits of laughter and I am confused and fall into laughter myself…She does the cutest funniest things. Or maybe I only think their cute because I bore her!…lol…another funny thing is she picks all the wrong things to repeat as part of her speech…we’re trying to teach her how to talk. Funny thing is, I will sit there repeating all the right things…like please, thank you, sorry, excuse me..while she totally ignores me. only for me to exclaim, ‘auwi!!’ when doing something random…and she will not stop saying this my friends. It’s quite strange to meet a chubby almost two year old who exclaims, ‘auwi!!’ at every turn for no reason….hahaha!!…I have completely failed in trying to erase it…how??!!…so for the purposes of this blog, and just because I can, lets call litu baby yella, tomato. lol. …yes, tomato. She’s my baby, I get to give her whatever pet name I choose.

So Tomato turned my world upside down. Mine and her dads’. We have argued, brawled, hissed at each other, laughed, loved, hugged …and this life can be exciting, overwhelming and just plain exhausting. All in all, Tomato warms my heart. Made me the complete goo mush ball I never imagined I would be. It’s like becoming a mummy makes you a walking patrol sergeant that wants to make sure all kids are safe, warm and happy. Even those you meet on the street…your heart aches for. Before having a baby, you’d prolly be like,…whose kid is this…oh, too bad! Now, such things bug you. I thought it was only me, till the other day, Caramel (baba tomato) got all wound up and pissed about how a school bus was being driven…lol…usually we’d be like minding our own business…hahaha!…so yes, having shoodren makes one a better person. A more feeling person. And if the rest of ya’ll want to argue about that…issokei. It’s just my own observation using my own before and after.

So currently, I’m in a lull at work. Like plateau. Nothing is happening. I been working hard. Trying to impress the boss and then what do they go and do…hire someone as my colleague…to do exactly what I do…pay the new lady more than they do me…then tell me they are not doing any increments as we are currently broke and facing financial crisis…and as much as they value me, they cannot increase my salary without causing an uprising among other staff demanding more…I dont’ buy that for shit. I feel depressed about it. I feel disrespected thoroughly. But Big Boss person still calls on me to give opinions and such like things…not to mention I brought in some money recently. Good money. I unstuck it. Where it had been stuck. I feel bad. What to do??…I don’t feel ready to quit…because first, I am with child…and second, our relationship with Caramel has seen its roughest road bumps based on money fights…It’s never enough!…So, picture me trying to give that speech that I quat because I was feeling disrespected….Yeap, ladies and gentlemen, when you have child to feed, you think less about your litu ego…and more about the bottom line. Shit.

So everyday, nowadays, I wake up and my body is refusing…It generally has aches saying…’don’t go to work!’..I have to remove it, take it to the shower and force it to report with a smile. I am currently praying to Jesus for a change of this attitude.

Then, I am turning 36 this year. Good bye youth!!!…*sobs uncontrollably

This year btw, irregardless (there goes uhunyes word) of all the above, I feel so good about 2019!!!…It just seems like the year to be in. Leave alone that I feel so let down by my employer and Baba Tomato. Now this Baba Tomato.

Baba Tomato has not married me officially. We have a marriage for the plantation (as my kinsmen would say)…Now, I am fully aware that I made my bed and I must lie in it. But I feel bad about it. Baba Tomato is dodge about it. It makes me feel insecure. Like I should play my cards close to my chest. Like it’s still a temporary arrangement. Countless older women have told me, ‘ Aye! Yella, But you are married!…si munaishi? si analipa? si ni wako? …alafu???”…. I still don’t feel legitimate. I feel like I don’t belong. My hoity toity self never imagined myself having a marriage ‘of the plantations’ or for those better exposed to the dialect, ‘of mafefeine’..(usually a term used to describe dodgy people who live together secretly without coming out to declare their commitment to one another)…I am disappointed :-(…. His reluctance also causes me to wonder. I don’t feel secure :-(. I don’t feel that I trust Baba Tomatos’ reluctance.

He calls it pressure. It makes me sad. Three years going on four. This year I have purposed to pray more about it and speak less on it. But see, I’m still blurting it out here…hehehe…so I guess it means I’m still feeling some type of way. I’m also scared it means, me and Baba Tomato are not together forever. We are instead, ‘come we stay and trying to see if’….nkt!…with all my years…who has time for trial and error??!!…ach!…thing is baba tomato, plays the part fully. He just hasnt…(wont?) go down the altar?…I ronno…But we converse and laugh like good pals..we don’t bang as much as we used to :-(..but when it happens, it happens!…I told you. A lull. My life. This is what has happened.

I need to ran away. From my lull. To think and come back with resolve. Somewhere quiet. Somewhere with fresh air. Sit under a tree and think about my life.

Only my Tomato seems genuine at this point. Everyone else seems fake as cutlery from China….Only my Tomato. Who spits on me. lol…And Jesus, who you can tell the truth. I shall be kneeling down more to pray this year for sure. I think my mouth hasn’t helped my relationship much. It is usually good at manipulation. I am tired. Honestly tired! Tired of being good at mouthing off. Tired. Tired of giving relentlessly. Tired of not being selfish. Tired of taking the high road.Tired of not being claimed and married. lol…I actually don’t know what this obsession is. It just feels like I am illegitimate. I know about common law marriages btw so shut the hell up. lol….I just want a good old go back to the parents, pay the friggin’ dowry…get to the church on a weekday, get us the blessing, have a good old party after with good wine…good sex and honeymoon if lucky…Baba Tomato is a litu stingy if I can be honest, so a good honeymoon would be an absolute dream!…I know my person, so again, shut the hell up…He may be stingy but he’s many good other things…So please Jesus, make the desire of my heart come to be!…I want my family to be on a good foundation. If it is not in your will, give me the grace to accept your will. Amen!

*Bonus: ION, Tomato is a month shy off two years. She almost knows how to count one to ten, but because I tickle her when we get to ten…she thinks the number ten stands for ‘tickle me’…lol…ok, thats not very funny no??…lol,….I told you!!…I’m now a useless piece of moosh!…hehehehe!…shall I ever recover??…I don’t know *shrugs